Frustrated With Myself

So, lately I've felt this anger and frustration. I guess it comes and goes, but it's mainly over being stuck inside all day and having to sit at a desk. I know this is something millions of people do daily, I just can't bring myself to accept it. I feel so restless and I want to be able to work on myself and study everything about spiritual growth, yet society forces us into these little boxes and stuffs all our desires down into the deepest part of ourselves so we're just mechanical workers. Not questioning anything, just pushing through our day for some pipe dream in the distant future.

How is it that we can base our entire lives on the future? We go from one societal expectation to the next. We go through our jobs hoping for a better opportunity, we get into a relationship to hopefully one day get married, then have kids and then just wait for the day when we retire. I don't think there's anything wrong with living a simple life, being happy doesn't require any thing or place or situation. I really feel it is a choice that you can claim now. Whenever I feel like I just want to run away and hide because I just feel like I can't stand another day of the same thing, I try to be present. I think of how grateful I am for what I have and how far I've come.

I guess the reason I equate it with anger, is that I'm just angry with myself for not being strong enough to go for what I want. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I took this job is because my family said that it was a great opportunity. I agree that it is, but I wonder if it's really the best thing for me. Deep down I feel that whatever I pursued, I could make a success. I believe that everything would work out.

As I keep exploring and studying being an empath and spiritual growth, I feel that this is something I really would love to pursue. I ask my Spirit Guides for the next step. I see other people who are making a life from it and I ask, why couldn't I have that too? Maybe what's holding me back is this feeling that I don't deserve to have everything.

I do believe that once you change your inside, the outside will change to match it. So maybe the proof is in the pudding. There are people out there who are working hard, but they're passionate about what they're doing. They are fully satisfied. I need to believe that I deserve that. In some ways, I believe that working will always be something that I dislike and have to force myself through, but the truth is I'm creating that reality.

This article really helped me get through this day: Stop Asking Life for Permission to Have What You Want