I don't just see a room full of people. My mind starts to create scenarios, not just involving me, but involving everyone. What they're thinking, they're reaction to each other, they're reaction to me. I think in details and analyze everything. If I were to sit in one place, I could entertain myself with the inner workings of my mind for hours. This isn't just me being weird and crazy. To be honest, I thought everyone had this amount of information being processed inside them. The truth is, this is how a highly sensitive person views the world. It comes naturally and I can't help it.
It really urks me how other people who aren't like this, view someone like me as weak and over reactive. I'd like for them to spend a day inside my head and body and see how they fair. I'm sure they wouldn't be able to handle it. It's something I've spent years trying to overcome. I still have to overcome it everyday in each situation.
Take for example getting your haircut. It seems like the simplest, most commonplace situation. But I haaaate it. No, it's not because I love my hair and I'm worried how they're going to cut it. That is the least of my worries. The truth is, that I hate the atmosphere. Everyone loves to sit down and chit chat about the most insignificant crap they can think of with someone who really could care less about how their day at work was. But it's expected of you. If you just sit there in silence, you're just plain weird.
When I go to get my haircut, which happens to be really thick and it usually takes always an hour to complete, I always end up making my hairdresser feel awkward. She starts asking me questions like where I work and blah blah. I just freeze up. I don't know what to say, I don't know how I'm suppose to act, and I just feel like a weirdo. Especially because everyone around me seems to be doing just find keeping up the drone-like banter.
I understand people who read this and are not highly sensitive are going to think I'm just shy. But that's not what this is about. Yes this can result in shyness, or the appearance of shyness, but if you saw me in a situation where I didn't have so much stimulus, you'd know that that's not me.
Which brings me to another part of being an HSP. You have to put on masks. You realize that you would like to just sit there listening, looking around, sensing everything, but you know that society will not accept someone like that. So you put on the mask of someone that is acceptable in that situation. You play the game. It's sad, and very frustrating, but if you want a job, heck even if you want friends -- sometimes you have to give into it.
One thing that I resorted to, before I learned that I was an HSP, was medication. This might be a story for another post, but I'll just reflect briefly for now. I took an anti-depressant both long term and short term drugs to help me through difficult situations. As an HSP you realize that as much as you really struggle to get through things that other people don't think twice about, you enjoy the highs so much you're willing to put up with the lows.
I know being an HSP has given me creativity, a passion for writing, intense love and joy. So I'm learning to accept that this is a gift and that I wouldn't ever want someone to take that away. I guess it took that numbness to make me realize how lucky I am to be different. I'll always struggle through certain situations, my mind and body just won't get used to it. But I also know that I'll get through them and maybe even learn something along the way.
