Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dear Ego, a letter from the heart

I feel like I am going through an inner battle. I realize that this is something that goes along with being a human. Basically my thoughts and tendencies really frustrate me. Every time I have a negative thought or feeling like the world is crashing down, I feel like I'm trapped inside this ego. I think probably I'm suppose to be doing the opposite. Rather than fighting it, just accept it. Recognize that these thoughts are like clouds in the sky, they will pass, but more will follow. Still, the sky remains peaceful. So why do I fall for the ego every time? (Maybe not every time, but it feels that way.)
I feel most happy when I am in nature. It is so rewarding to have those moments to myself where I can absorb that energy and feel freedom from my inner dialogue. Why is my ego so hurtful to me? This question has prompted me to write a letter.

Dear Ego,

Okay, listen, I know that you're only trying to survive. It's an instinctual thing and in many ways out of your control, but when did survival turn into judgement and criticism? It seems like the world today has become one huge ego and you are constantly trying to keep me in line. You keep telling me my passions are too dangerous, or that I'll never manifest what I really want. Well you're wrong! I mean, lighten up a little! You keep forgetting that I'm a spiritual being. I don't need to worry about what other people are thinking about me, or whether or not I'm "succeeding" in what society believes to be a number one priority: i.e. money. Can't we just be grateful for what we have in this moment and stop worrying about what the future holds? Or worrying about past events that will never change?
If we could just become one team, I'll let you help my physical body survive and you can let me pursue my passions without compiling a list of fears and failures. Then maybe I could start manifesting a life of bliss without any doubts holding me back. I would wake up each morning knowing that this life is mine to create and there is no failure, there is no lack, I only need to believe in myself and believe in the kindness of the Universe.
So why not just leave me alone, the real me, the one you keep forgetting about and trying to keep me from remembering? The me that has everything and lacks nothing. The me that is infinite and doesn't fear losing the "I" because it is everywhere and everything. I understand you, but you do not have control of me. You never did, although maybe I've mistaken the part for the whole in the past. I don't hate you, I don't judge you, I am just telling you that I realize now that I've always been the Jailer and the Inmate at once, you were never a part in that.

P.S. Thanks for keeping my vehicle safe!

-Juniper

Thursday, June 16, 2011

An Awakening?

So my previous post must have seemed kind of negative. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with what I'm doing I feel selfish, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and just plain greedy. Like, I already have SO much to be grateful for, why do I keep needing more? But when I try to accept this and move on, the feelings remain. The feelings that I'm unsatisfied with my day to day routine. How I feel like working at my desk job is a complete waste of time. How I have so much passion and creativity inside me that is bursting to come out, but I spend so much of my energy on things that I feel are just a waste of life. Just the thought of jumping into my greatest passions in life (traveling, writing, reading, hiking, horseback riding) leaves me with the greatest feeling of relief and terror at the same time. Don't worry, I'm leading up to something important...
Last night I was reading a book about astral projection.http://www.johnmagnus.com/Astral_Projection_and_the_Nature_of_Reality_by_John_Magnus I've been really fascinated by this concept because I think it would be so freeing to be able to leave my physical body for a little while. I want to badly to shed my ego and all the worrying that goes along with it.
Anyway, so I've been struggling with these thoughts and while reading this book everything was brought into perspective for me. The author John Magnus explains how the soul created the physical world to explore and experience and thus needed the physical body to experience it in. In order for the physical body to survive, the ego had to be developed because the soul was not going to know how to look after the needs of the physical body: food, water, shelter. From the ego's desire to survive came reasoning, because the ego needed to reason which situations, people, decisions, would result in the death of the body. Ultimately this led to judgement of others, oneself, and situations as "good" or "bad." Follow that with the reasoning that because the ego could not see anything but the physical realm, it deemed everything else unreasonable and thus we closed ourselves off from our higher selves.
I'm probably not the best to explain, so I would suggest buying a book on the subject. You don't have to buy the one I'm reading, I just thought I would share.
So, finally we are left with this ego who believes that it has to earn money in order to survive. Yes, greed was acquired by the ego because its sole focus is on self-survival. So our society is built on this foundation of greed, which we've forgotten why it exists in the first place. It seems that yes, it was necessary to have the ego so the physical form wouldn't starve to death, but we've forgotten the real reason we're here. To explore, enjoy, grow, and experience life to its fullest. The book goes on to explain that we feel unsatisfied when we are not following these true passions, but every time we feel the need to break free from our egos. They sneak up again and tell us how important our jobs are in order for us to survive. That fear just holds us in our current situations and tells us that the risk is just too great.
Let me just say how validating this chapter was. Granted I knew that this was why I was feeling the way I was. But it really drove home that I'm not greedy or selfish, it's just my higher self telling me that there is so much more potential in the world that my ego is trying to shelter me from. I do feel that pull to seek something greater and to follow my passions, but the fear of starving or losing all my money is greater. So where do I go next?
Well I am trying to pursue my passions, it still doesn't feel good enough, but I'm asking the question. I'm allowing myself to feel this way, and I'm believing that I will find a way to do this. I really am grateful for everything I've been given and I know this is the final piece of the puzzle. Why shouldn't I seek my higher self? Why shouldn't I allow myself to pursue my passions? We can't let society tell us that we are only as good as the money we make. I want to take risks, because I know that I'll never get rid of this feeling. I'll never accept a mediocre lifestyle. This yearning within my is a fire I can't seem to put out. It's a blaze I can't ignore. I just need to take the first step in believing I can do this.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Frustrated With Myself

So, lately I've felt this anger and frustration. I guess it comes and goes, but it's mainly over being stuck inside all day and having to sit at a desk. I know this is something millions of people do daily, I just can't bring myself to accept it. I feel so restless and I want to be able to work on myself and study everything about spiritual growth, yet society forces us into these little boxes and stuffs all our desires down into the deepest part of ourselves so we're just mechanical workers. Not questioning anything, just pushing through our day for some pipe dream in the distant future.
How is it that we can base our entire lives on the future? We go from one societal expectation to the next. We go through our jobs hoping for a better opportunity, we get into a relationship to hopefully one day get married, then have kids and then just wait for the day when we retire. I don't think there's anything wrong with living a simple life, being happy doesn't require any thing or place or situation. I really feel it is a choice that you can claim now. Whenever I feel like I just want to run away and hide because I just feel like I can't stand another day of the same thing, I try to be present. I think of how grateful I am for what I have and how far I've come.
I guess the reason I equate it with anger, is that I'm just angry with myself for not being strong enough to go for what I want. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I took this job is because my family said that it was a great opportunity. I agree that it is, but I wonder if it's really the best thing for me. Deep down I feel that whatever I pursued, I could make a success. I believe that everything would work out.
As I keep exploring and studying being an empath and spiritual growth, I feel that this is something I really would love to pursue. I ask my Spirit Guides for the next step. I see other people who are making a life from it and I ask, why couldn't I have that too? Maybe what's holding me back is this feeling that I don't deserve to have everything.
I do believe that once you change your inside, the outside will change to match it. So maybe the proof is in the pudding. There are people out there who are working hard, but they're passionate about what they're doing. They are fully satisfied. I need to believe that I deserve that. In some ways, I believe that working will always be something that I dislike and have to force myself through, but the truth is I'm creating that reality.
This article really helped me get through this day: Stop Asking Life for Permission to Have What You Want

Monday, June 6, 2011

Cassiel, Meeting My Archangel

So my experience with my Spirit Guides went a step further last night. It was almost like I was lucid dreaming because I fell asleep somewhere between talking to them and watching a vision. I felt the pressure on my third eye throughout the experience, I think it was real...
This time I wanted to speak to Cassiel. I felt like he was going to give me some really good advice. Maybe some of the other messages will come back to me as I write this post, because I lost some of it I think. One thing I remember is that he told me he was going to be around for a while. I could sense as though he was going to help me grow my abilities and that I was going to get used to communicating with him. It felt really calming to know that he wasn't going anywhere. Finally I decided to do an exercise, everything kind of just flowed from one thing to the next.
First I imagined my third eye opening and a bright light emanating from it. I watched as it projected images on the wall of my bedroom like I was watching a film. It was almost like Cassiel was narrating it. The whole time I felt this pressure on my third eye.
So what he showed me was me. My whole life almost. I saw myself as a small child and there was all this light and I was outside sitting in the grass. There was this light coming down, which was the sun, but it also was something more. Like the heavens had been watching me the whole time. I had been born in innocence with these gifts and suddenly I was sensing my whole life and how I had become lost, but how now I would start to regain them again.
I felt that I was in a new phase of my life and that Cassiel was here to help me regain a lot of what I had lost. I guess one thing I don't want to sound like, is that I'm bragging or something. All this information was just for me and I'm sure everyone has their own path to walk and is on their own journey of discovery. For me, it felt like I was reconnecting with something I had lost as a child. I had an image of myself just holding my infant self. This blog is a way for me to validate all these pieces that I'm slowly putting back together. I don't know why, but I have such a strong desire to share it and also to document it. Maybe it makes it more real? I don't know, but I feel that everything will become clear shortly.
Lastly, I think I met the last of my Spirit Guides. Theodore, something like "Stellar", and Maya...that later turned into "Mayan Priestess" so that must be what she calls herself. I saw a darker figure in the background and got two letters like "E" and "M" and I wasn't sure if it was something like Emmanuel but I was told by the others not to acknowledge him. I had a sense he was a shadow figure and a negative entity and they were really trying to push him out of the circle.
So that is my update. I didn't communicate further, I must've fell asleep after that. I do want to contact them again and get more information, but I do find that I only get snippets of contact and then my own mind almost tries to come in and fill space or something. I think I'll get better at just listening as I practice more and more.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Meeting My Spirit Guides

So, the more I've been exploring my abilities and feelings, the more the idea of connecting with my Spirit Guides has been coming up. I have a tendency to doubt what I'm hearing or feeling, I'll communicate and then doubt that what I heard was real, even though I'll usually take their advice.
Anyway, its been a while since I communicated and I felt like I wanted to really know who they are. All these things that were just in my peripheral, are now becoming very real. I've always believed and sensed that I was using my abilities, but I'm finally trying to become active with them.
So last night was pretty eventful for me. First, my boyfriend asked that I give him a massage because his neck was sore. I was able to really help him open up his energies. When I was a child, my mother used to tell me I had "magic fingers" because I used to heal her. My boyfriend experiences the same thing when I rub his shoulders or do some acupressure on key points. He even said that he can feel a heat emanating from them, which I've seen other Empaths mention on various forums.
Well at the end of the healing session, I felt so relaxed. I think it felt good to help my boyfriend feel good. I could feel my own energies matching his the more I healed him and just wiped away all the negativity. We always exchange energies so it's really easy to do.
Then I went to bed shortly after and decided to use a quartz crystal on my third eye and try to communicate with my Spirit Guides. I keep hearing them speak, but I am unsure of what they are saying and it's easiest to hear them talk when I just lay down and relax.
First I saw them all around me. I believe there were seven total. The one closest to me was Mariah. At least that's what I think she said. She was very soothing and friendly. Next to her was Ethan. The person next to him I couldn't discern I think it might've been female, but I wasn't too sure. It was hanging back. Next to that being was my horse. I already knew he would be there. He stays close to me and comforts me a lot. I feel that I can bring him close when I need to.
There were two more spirits that I am unsure of. They were hanging back as well. But midway through trying to discern everyone, I saw a man in armor walk in. I sensed him as a knight and the name Cassiel slowly formed in my head.
I'm not very familiar with the bible, but to my surprise I looked up the name the next day and discovered that Cassiel is an archangel who represents father time. He is all about the cosmos, magic, and considered the Angel of Mind Expansion. I was really overcome by emotion when I discovered this, it felt like he was the perfect archangel for me and what I was seeking. I didn't get to talk to him at all, but I remember him entering from like a doorway of light.
When I told my boyfriend, he said the previous week he had discovered one of his old bibles with a page torn out and sitting on top of the book. When he read the passage, it was titled Armor of Light. Needless to say we were both pretty surprised.
One thing I asked was if they had a message for me. I heard the words, "Stay calm, watch and see." Maybe they were waiting for me to discover who Cassiel was, but I'm not sure if something more will come to me. I am certainly going to contact Cassiel tonight and see what he says. He was definitely different from the other spirit guides.
Another thing that amazed me, was that I discovered a way that they've been communicating with me my whole life and I didn't know. Whenever I get this feeling, which up until now I haven't been able to describe, I get these intense chills that start at my back and move throughout my body. During that meditation it dawned on me that it was a way they could tell me something was a message from them. It was such a strong realization, meeting them was so amazing that I was crying just at the feeling of connecting with spirit.
One last thing...I've been trying to open up my third eye. Originally it seemed to burn alot, it was a really strong pressure for awhile. Maybe five or six months ago, however, now it's a bit quiet. I can sense it with very light pressure, but it's not very strong. Yet, what has really intensified is my solar plexus. I seem to use it to judge things more than my third eye.
When I pick up stones, I can instantly feel what they are emanating through my solar plexus. It's an interesting sensation, but very powerful. I often use it to manifest things in my life. My boyfriend seemed to feel that was a good thing, I'll have to look into this further, but I think sometimes it's better to work from your solar plexus than from your third eye. I don't think you want to be up in your head all the time! I'm certain it will all become clear in time.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Blue Jay Totem -- A Near Death Experience


I was driving home from work yesterday. It was a beautiful day and I couldn't wait to just get home and take a nice long walk outside. Somewhere in the middle of singing a song and turning a corner, a Blue Jay dropped vertically down, right in front of my car. My first response was to gasp and to break, but there was no way I was stopping in time. The Blue Jay disappeared below my car and I held my breath as I passed over it. I couldn't hear any excruciating "thump," and my gaze darted to my rear view mirror where I could see the dazed little Blue Jay standing in the center of the road a bit confused, before flying safely back into a tree.
My first reaction was shock, then I gave a laugh of relief. I knew if I had hit that little Jay it would've ruined my whole evening. But after that shock wore off, I started to realize that the Blue Jay must have been an animal spirit visiting me to deliver a message.
Here is some information on the Blue Jay Totem. Basically, the Blue Jay is a bold little creature and represents clarity and honesty. He teaches assertiveness, communication, and reminds us to be open with ourselves in order to reach our higher state. I hope the energy of the Blue Jay is staying close because as an Empath, I know I have a hard time communicating my thoughts and how I feel. I'm often frustrated at myself when a situation passes and I wasn't able to express myself properly.
Most recently, I've felt that I struggle with getting my meaning across. Almost like there's a spell on me that takes away my ability to speak, is someone playing a joke on me?
I'm not sure exactly what the Blue Jay is going to teach me, but he certainly got my attention. I'm going to draw his energy closer and see what I discover.