It's Just a Haircut!

Believe it or not, there's nothing in the world involving me talking to someone I don't know, that doesn't make me nervous. It's not so much that I don't like myself, or that I don't have confidence in who I am. It's that I know how my body reacts. When I get into situations where I'm out in public, my body feels overwhelmed by the things going around me. It's hard to concentrate on what I'm doing. I react most to the people around me.

I don't just see a room full of people. My mind starts to create scenarios, not just involving me, but involving everyone. What they're thinking, they're reaction to each other, they're reaction to me. I think in details and analyze everything. If I were to sit in one place, I could entertain myself with the inner workings of my mind for hours. This isn't just me being weird and crazy. To be honest, I thought everyone had this amount of information being processed inside them. The truth is, this is how a highly sensitive person views the world. It comes naturally and I can't help it.

It really urks me how other people who aren't like this, view someone like me as weak and over reactive. I'd like for them to spend a day inside my head and body and see how they fair. I'm sure they wouldn't be able to handle it. It's something I've spent years trying to overcome. I still have to overcome it everyday in each situation.

Take for example getting your haircut. It seems like the simplest, most commonplace situation. But I haaaate it. No, it's not because I love my hair and I'm worried how they're going to cut it. That is the least of my worries. The truth is, that I hate the atmosphere. Everyone loves to sit down and chit chat about the most insignificant crap they can think of with someone who really could care less about how their day at work was. But it's expected of you. If you just sit there in silence, you're just plain weird.

When I go to get my haircut, which happens to be really thick and it usually takes always an hour to complete, I always end up making my hairdresser feel awkward. She starts asking me questions like where I work and blah blah. I just freeze up. I don't know what to say, I don't know how I'm suppose to act, and I just feel like a weirdo. Especially because everyone around me seems to be doing just find keeping up the drone-like banter.

I understand people who read this and are not highly sensitive are going to think I'm just shy. But that's not what this is about. Yes this can result in shyness, or the appearance of shyness, but if you saw me in a situation where I didn't have so much stimulus, you'd know that that's not me.

Which brings me to another part of being an HSP. You have to put on masks. You realize that you would like to just sit there listening, looking around, sensing everything, but you know that society will not accept someone like that. So you put on the mask of someone that is acceptable in that situation. You play the game. It's sad, and very frustrating, but if you want a job, heck even if you want friends -- sometimes you have to give into it.

One thing that I resorted to, before I learned that I was an HSP, was medication. This might be a story for another post, but I'll just reflect briefly for now. I took an anti-depressant both long term and short term drugs to help me through difficult situations. As an HSP you realize that as much as you really struggle to get through things that other people don't think twice about, you enjoy the highs so much you're willing to put up with the lows.

I know being an HSP has given me creativity, a passion for writing, intense love and joy. So I'm learning to accept that this is a gift and that I wouldn't ever want someone to take that away. I guess it took that numbness to make me realize how lucky I am to be different. I'll always struggle through certain situations, my mind and body just won't get used to it. But I also know that I'll get through them and maybe even learn something along the way.

Not Afraid to Be Shy

If I had to count the amount of times I was considered "shy" I would have a whole lot of depressing childhood memories.

One thing that I thought I had to overcome since I was a child was being quiet or the degrading term "shy" that to me has such a heinous connotation to it. (Blame it on an extroverted older sister who was the star of the show.) Anyway, while being shy can be a result of having Hypersensitivity, they are not one in the same. Shyness can in fact be a debilitating condition, but when you're an HSP it has a much different meaning and effect. The problem with being called shy as a HSP is that you're mind is working and you have plenty to say, you simply either choose not to speak, or feel more overwhelmed or aroused by what is taking place around you, that you feel unable to participate.

Realizing that I wasn't just shy (which I constantly struggled against my whole life), meant that I didn't always have to participate. I could forgive myself for thinking rather than speaking and that helped me become even more comfortable in stimulating situations. When I finally learned about what being an HSP meant, I was suddenly more aware of everything that was going on around me---the people chatting behind me, the buzz of the air conditioner, the smell of someone's perfume...all sensory perceptions that make my body that much more confused and distracted. Not only things around me, but my own inner dialogue. My mind was interpreting what others were thinking, feeling, and even how they were perceiving me. Ultimately my body was having an overload and I was trying to force my words through it.

Now I can forgive my introversion and my need to have personal time, because you can imagine that HSP's get tired much faster than the average person. I definitely need more rest than most people (Another flaw that I felt was a weakness). So why am I not shy?

Because to me, being shy, would be a pretty simple label to place on someone who more than just has nothing to say or is not participating in life. Do I have moments of shyness? Well, if you mean feeling uncomfortable in a situation that causes me to remain silent, then yes. But understanding that talking more isn't going to cure my shyness, helped me realize why "shy" never felt right and never truly explained me or how I was feeling.

The truth is our society often rewards people who have a lot to say, rather than the people who choose to pick their words wisely. The "popular people" are the ones who are the loudest and the most outgoing. This is a very western mindset that is completely opposite in some Asian customs, which respect people who are more introverted and quiet. If we can break through this boundary that the person who is the loudest doesn't necessarily have the best things to say, then I think there is some hope for HSP's being accepted more. I enjoy not speaking, silence is very soothing and like the internet, a lot of useless banter can block out the importance of finding you inner voice. I think listening to who you are, what you are thinking, and learning to explore within, is more important to your individual growth than what you have to say to everyone else.

What is a Highly-Sensitive person?

If you want to learn more about what a Hypersensitive person is, then you've probably already identified with the label and can relate in some way. That's how I found out that I was Hypersensitive. The more I researched, the more I felt that I had finally found the answer to why I feel, think, and do what I do.

The first thing I would recommend is that you purchase a book, because honestly I'm not a professional and I certainly don't know everything about the trait. The book that I was pulled towards was The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron. Being a Hypersensitive (HSP), she really knows how to explain what you're feeling and why. It's a difficult process, but this book really helped me start on the right path to understanding myself and also knowing that there is nothing wrong with me.

So now that I established that I'm not a doctor or expert on this subject, I should maybe explain why I decided to start this blog. I know that there aren't a lot of us, but that we exist and are often misunderstood. Part of the reason why being Hypersensitive isn't well known, is because most of us feel uncomfortable talking about it, or opening up to others. Especially when the majority of the world feels that being outgoing and the center of attention is a positive trait, while being introverted, reserved, and that dreaded word "shy" are generally negative or weak.

Hopefully my experiences will help to unite the HSP's who either don't know what they are, or otherwise don't want to talk about it.

The truth is being an HSP has made me creative, intuitive, empathetic, and more appreciative of everything around me. I hope that others will see how this is a gift and not a curse, although it can seem like that at times...but whether you relate or not, I hope that this might help make more people aware.

SO that leads me to what a HSP is. In its most basic definition...and this is me defining it based on what I've read... a HSP is someone whose body reacts to stimulants more than the average person. This means that a person's level of arousal in situations with loud noise, bright lights, or high stress, can be more overwhelming than the average person. This also means that HSP's tend to have higher levels of emotion, fall harder in love, and also can experience deeper sadness but also heightened happiness.

HSP's tend to also be more intuitive and spiritual. I think we feel more comfortable with having an inquisitive mind than remaining earth bound. Which is why one can presume that our famous philosophers, artists, and theologians throughout history, are more than likely HSP's.

Like I said, the list of descriptive traits of an HSP along with the psychological and physical background are best left for the experts and there are books available to those who are interested. I will try my best to represent this group, but feel free to fill in the gaps if you so choose.