So lately I've definitely been put in a situation that goes beyond my comfort zone. I can't believe it's already been a month, but I started a new job as a Social Media Specialist. I'm really glad I moved on from my old job, but it seems like apart from waking up, getting dressed, going to work, and then coming home, eating and sleeping, I haven't been able to accomplish much else.
In other times of my life, I would feel guilty or ashamed of myself, and try to put pressure on myself to do more. My sister happens to be very outgoing and growing up she would thrive on socializing and interacting with people. I, on the other hand, had some difficulty living up to those expectations. It really was a struggle, and not knowing why I couldn't be the talkative, outgoing person that my parents wanted me to be, really made me think poorly of myself. I also realized that my mom, who also happens to be less of a people-person, was struggling to keep me from becoming like her, which can be hard to do when genetics gets in the way.
Ultimately, being sensitive became the main part of my failures in life. My parents said I had a "low pain tolerance" that I "cried too much" was "too quiet" and in one instance said "I don't have any friends." Maybe some of you can relate to that, as a HSP it's really hard to live up to what everyone else expects of you. My dad especially couldn't understand why I avoided simple things like answering the phone, the front door, or ordering at a restaurant. To be honest, I didn't understand why all these seemingly simple things were so difficult for me.
I realize that I gained a fear of failure in everything I did that already ignited my sensitivity. It started to intensify even when I was just going for a walk down the street. Sensitivity is a part of who I am, at least in this physical world, and I need to embrace it. I need to stop trying to be like everyone else, stop trying to push my body to do what it can't, and enjoy all the gifts that sensitivity offers.
Just last weekend, I was trying to explain to my mom what being an HSP really meant. She didn't seem to understand that the definition of "Sensitivity" goes beyond just the normal indications. Honestly I still have a hard time not thinking of the phrase "you're too sensitive," when I explain I'm a Highly Sensitive Person. That's just me bringing my own stereotypes to something that is not negative at all. But I could see how my mom was very anti-being sensitive, as if I could just get over it.
That's how I had tried to live my life before -- getting over it. So I would push and push myself to live the lifestyle that my sister enjoyed. (BTW I love my sister and don't blame her for anything. I just see how trying to be like her will never work for me. Even though I still respect who she is.) Like I said, I'd try to maintain a more "stimulating" lifestyle and end up crashing into depression because I either couldn't sustain it, or couldn't enjoy it, or both. You get the idea.
Now, with my new job, (back to my original point) I am allowing myself to just deal with one thing. There is definitely a ton of other things I would like to work on. Finishing my two novels for one, but I realize now that it's okay if all I can handle is getting up and going to work. I've really started to love my sensitivity and notice it more instead of trying to push it down.
Before, when walking into a situation, I would push myself to make small talk but just end up feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Now I manage to say a few things, but if I don't have anything to say, then I just sit in silence. I realize that a lot of people are not comfortable with being quiet, but for me, I settle right into it and relax.
I need to do what's best for me. More importantly, I need to be my own best friend. I really believe people treat you the way you treat yourself. Before I was telling people to disrespect me because I'm "shy" and "timid." My parents drilled into my brain that I need to stop being so shy because people will take advantage of me. That's not true, just because you are quiet doesn't mean you will be taken advantage of. Furthermore, what my parents should've encouraged in me, is not to be something I'm not, but to embrace myself and respect and love myself above anyone else. That is really what will shape you and help you rise above.
So everyday I get up and go to work. If I mess up or forget something, I forgive myself. I give my greatest effort, but I forgive myself for my difficulties. If I need to just sit in my space and be quiet. Then I allow that.
I just want to add that this has made me become such a strong person. I know I'm not perfect and I continue to work on myself, but I have felt so much power in knowing and accepting this personal trait. So much so that my family views me completely differently. My sister, now comes to me for advice about dealing with anxiety and stress. My parents tell me how proud they are of me and how much I've grown. There was never any reason why I would have to become someone else, just accept who you are now and love yourself fully.
I'll mention one last thing that probably deserves its own post. My past is full of many dark times. I know I've only been here a short time relatively speaking, but I've let myself drop into deep depression and throughout it all I continued to try and understand myself. I never hid from it. Luckily it led to my discovery of being an HSP, which obviously can't solve all my problems, but for me was really a light bulb moment. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've come a long way and to have my entire family recognize that I was able to grow really solidifies what I feel inside.
Better go get ready for work!
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