I Love Lightning

Yesterday there was an amazing storm! Lightning just ignites my soul and I feel that I have to watch every second or I'll miss something special! So when I started hearing the booms, I instantly headed down the stairs and out the door. The clouds were so dark and so low I felt as though I could read up and touch them. The ominous thundering and crack shook my insides to the core. I watched it roll towards me gaining momentum. It wasn't long before the trees began to whip frantically back and forth.

I held my breath as another thick bolt branched downward leaving a light memory in my eyes. It was exhilarating, I felt the surge of static in the humid air. I was a bit frightened, imagining myself being struck, but it only added to my euphoria. I looked around and I was the only one standing in the street, eyes trained on the billowing clouds. Another crack of power vibrated my eardrums. So much power it made me feel so small and yet part of something infinite.

A drop of water hit my hair and then another on my face. The wind sweeping and churning around gave me a slight chill causing the hair to rise on my arms. The rain flowed like a curtain towards me and suddenly it was upon me soaking me almost instantly. I wiped water out of my eyes and started to run in pure delight. The lightning continued it's booming chorus now coupled by the melody of rain drops on pavement, rooftops and windshields.

By the time I made it back to my apartment, my clothing was soaked and my hair drenched. I darted up the stairs and out to our balcony. My poor cats were racing around the apartment in a mixture of fear and excitement. Not sure what they should do, but sensing the charge in the air.

I watched from my balcony as gusts of wind tossed trees around. The gutters overflowed like Niagra Falls and torrential rain instantly filled the pockets of earth that were deep enough. Then started the clink, clink, clink of hail as it bounced off our balcony's railing. I just stood in wonder at the power and soaked up the feeling that was like some kind of high I didn't want to end.

The lightning continued well into the early hours of the morning, but we managed to remain untouched. The next morning the rise in water level caused the rivers to overflow and flood their banks. My drive to work required a detour because of the current cruising at a decent pace across the road. The fields had been filled to become lakes and I noticed a kayake or two making their way slowly along the road. I hope no one was hurt during the storm and my heart goes out to the families that had to evacuate. I have a deep respect for nature and her incredible power.

Being My Best Friend First

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for not being my own best friend. I've always had a tendency to assume that I'm at fault. This causes all forms of self-loathing and obsession over what I've done wrong. Maybe as Empaths and Highly Sensitive People, we have extremely high expectations of ourselves. More so than of those around us. For me anyway, I always felt if I made a mistake, especially if I hurt someone else's feelings, I was the most horrible person in the world. Meanwhile, when other people hurt my feelings, I make excuses for them, or try to make them feel better.

It's so true (I've read this in various Empath descriptions) that Empaths would rather everyone around them feel better, even if that means subjecting themselves to intense pain. This is because when someone else feels guilty or ashamed, I seem to feel it ten times stronger! I hate that.

So, going back to my first ironic statement, when I say how I get so mad at myself...I'm finally recognizing that I do that. I realize that when I should really be defending myself, either openly or internally, instead I'm worrying about what the other person felt. By nature, I am constantly aware of how I am affecting other people and I've never hurt anyone. Yet I've felt responsible for taking the brunt of the pain from my own self-judgement.

Well no more! I'm going to be my own best friend from now on. Whenever someone gives me a weird look or when I've unintentionally insulted someone with an honest opinion, I'm going to say they can suck it up. Because isn't that what I expect of myself?

I'm tired of worrying over what I've said or done and all the mistakes I've made, on top of how others view me. I will do my best to help and heal those around me, but I need to come first. Part of that ability is by recognizing that I'm human. I can make a mistake, but I can be proud of myself and confident that I'm a good person. Definitely key to the Empath survival guide BTW:Be Your Own Best Friend.

My intentions are of the highest love and awareness, with this in mind I go forth with dignity!

Finding Myself Sensitive-Style

So I joined a group for empaths online (see new pretty widget!) and I'm starting to really connect with myself at a new level.

For a long time I’ve been denying parts of me that I feel I need to either embrace or discard. Allow me to explain. I feel a strong connection to nature, I also feel terribly uncomfortable in crowds, I am able to heal others, and I feel as though I take on the pains, joys, emotions, etc. of others. This goes back to my empathy vs. sensitive post before, and I’ve explored it more. I see more and more people are using the terms synonymously which each other. I wonder if maybe HSP is a term that is more acceptable in modern society, where as HSP’s would be eager to accept the empath label. I do feel that HSP is such a technical term, whereas empath flows better.

So what I’ve decided, is I’m going to explore all aspects of my capabilities. If I find that maybe I’m not really as capable of using the abilities that I thought I was, then I can accept that maybe I can’t feel others’ emotions or maybe I’m not capable of healing people/animals. But first I think I should probably accept wholeheartedly that maybe I can and maybe these are really the answers I’ve been seeking for so long. Thus, this is the post that will start me on the path. A path that calls to me when I am ready to discover something new about myself and about the world.

I’ve been posting some personal experiences on my empath forum and joining groups too. I think one thing that I’ve been disappointed in, is not seeing any information on how to really strengthen empathic abilities. First, I want to note that I haven’t yet read a book on being an empath, which is my next step in this process. (I’ll most likely order one ASAP). Second, I haven’t explored the endless stream of content on the site, so maybe I’m just missing where all this is documented. But to me, this is a priority. Most of the books/discussions/articles, seem to point towards protecting yourself. I really, really want to be able to strengthen it and use it.

Don’t get me wrong, just like every empath out there, I am fearful, exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed by these abilities and I too want to learn how to cut others off. But as I’ve lived with it, I’m learning that I can do that, I just have to take a moment to become aware that this is happening. When I’m not present, I tend to get caught up in all the energies and lose myself. Now that I’ve owned it and put a name on it, I’m aware and I cut myself off.

So what my conclusion has been thus far, and I will have to get back to you as I slowly learn more and more, is that these abilities are based on awareness of them. First step for me has been admitting to everything, even the things that I think might cause my boyfriend to think I’m crazy. This is what I’ve been going through. Reading everything that’s out there and trying to figure out what applies to me and then owning it. I’ve realized that I haven’t been entirely truthful with myself, and I also haven’t exercised the possibilities of what is causing certain feelings in me. I do know one thing. It feels right to head in this direction. Every time I relate to something someone has posted about being in nature, or feeling the energies of stones, every time I read more and more, it feels right, and I feel like I’m one step closer to something amazing.

There are so many ways that I still haven’t accepted myself. Recently I discovered a stairway that no one uses at work throughout the day. It is the perfect spot to escape to. I realized that even when I’m not interacting with co-workers, I’m still being effected by being in the same area as them. When I step in this stairwell and shut the door, a huge wave of relief, (tension that I didn’t even know I was holding onto) washes over me. I realize that I’m affected by their emotions, thoughts, stresses, without realizing it. Now I know that I need to release that stress and separate from myself physically from it. Maybe one day I can protect myself without having to do this, but as stupid as it sounds, this is what I have to do for now.

My other goal, after awareness, and after buying the book(not sure which is the right one yet), which I’m going to ask the Universe for, I am going to begin meditating more. This should allow me to focus my energies better and clear my mind, and step into the present more easily.

Wish me luck!

Empath or Highly Sensitive?

I started thinking about how I first figured out that I was an HSP. It was from finding the term Empath, which eventually led me to Elaine Aron's book. It got me thinking if all HSP's were Empaths or if all Empaths were HSP's and what the difference really was?
I'm not expert on the definitions surrounding these two terms, but I am curious to find out more. Here's one link on being an empath. Is it that the term "empath" is really a more supernatural power than the more scientifically accepted, "Highly Sensitive Person." Or maybe it's not entirely common for an HSP to also be an empath? I know that empath (even though I hate putting different labels on every part of me) is a suitable description for how I feel around people. I suppose the reason I would be an empath is because I'm an HSP, which is really more a physical description for all the non-HSP's to explain things that us HSP's just accept without question.
Do I need someone to test my blood or DNA to know I'm an HSP? NO! It was merely a term that I can use to describe something I've subconsciously known my whole life.
Speaking of life, being either an HSP or empath, whichever you prefer, makes life a whole lot more difficult. I'm sure I mentioned before how I've recently started a new job. It has really drained me, not the work I have to do, just all the new stimulus. Particularly finding new ways to act and react around people. Honestly, working alone (even if it's a lot of work) is way less stressful than sitting in a meeting where I don't have to say a single thing. Just sit there with my heart pounding and my skin prickly.
This past weekend I went to a party for one of my coworkers who was getting married. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is an HSP and refused to go, although it gave me one less person to be attuned to. Luckily, it went smoothly, I'm sort of a sensation seeker, so I do enjoy a party now and then. But it turns into more than just the party, and the time before and after are occupied by my energies surrounding the event.
Last night was Sunday and all I felt like doing was running away. I realize in my head that I'm doing well, that I'm keeping my head above water. But I wonder how long I can sustain treading water. I don't blame my job or anyone else, it's simply the life of an HSP. Trying desperately to keep up with the fast pace of the American social norms. I dream often of running away into the mountains. Living in the woods and surviving in nature. To some that might seem horrendous or barbaric. But for me, honestly it seems far less worrisome than waking up and facing the expectations of a normal life.
Maybe I should tie that into being an empath? Well if anyone has a good book suggestions for dealing with being an empath, I'd really like to know.

HSPMS - Just for girls

So I decided to cover a topic that the two books I read on being an HSP didn't describe. It happens to fit nicely into a new abbreviation, HSPMS. Yes, I haven't seen it officially said, but I have to express my thoughts on the other detail that sets male and female HSP's apart. I'm not trying to further categorize, label, or say "we have it tougher than you!" But every woman knows that once a month she has to go through a pretty tough ordeal. It is my experience that HSP's possibly have an even tougher time with it.
Maybe this is TMI, but I'm trying to get through maybe the worst part. It's the few days before I actually get my period that I suffer. I go into a really, really deep depression, and that's a pretty infantile way to describe it. I start to feel like everything in my life is headed downhill, that I'm a terrible person and I am hideous to look at. I realize that most women probably will say the same things, they cry for no reason, feel ugly and fat, and probably experience degrees of depression. I don't know about you other HSP ladies, but for me these experiences make it virtually impossible to function in my daily life. I don't know how I make it out the other side. I probably wouldn't if I didn't have my boyfriend to support me and help me through it.
Just the other day I had tried talking to someone at the office. I could've sworn she was avoiding me and thinking I was totally weird. It caused a lot of negative thinking to erupt in my head and I kept having to remind myself that it wasn't me talking it was my period and all the hormones wrapped up in it.
I think it's possible that these were the times that led to my cutting. Yes, for a time I was self-injuring to get through life. It's one of the worst addictions and never really leaves you. I'm discovering now that it may have been during these times of particular depression that I gave in to the urges, and the thoughts still come back. I say this with the fear of sounding "dark" and "disturbed" but I can assure you that I've grown and studied myself as many of us HSP's do. And although the scars remain, I have yet to give in again for sometime now.
Am I all alone in this? Or do you feel that non-HSP women don't experience the debilitating effects of their periods in the same way that HSP's do? I mean it makes sense, we experience everything in its most raw form, so why wouldn't this be added to the list? Just attempting to explain it makes me feel better, hoping that someone finds this and says, yes I barely get through this time each month. I literally fear myself and what torture my mind might concoct this time. Right now, I feel miserable. I want to crawl into a hole and emerge refreshed with no one the wiser.
It's not just the sadness, I am extremely tired. I try to get more sleep, but my body and mind begin to function in slow motion. Which makes everything even harder to deal with than my normal HSP self. When I emerge on the other side, I feel confident and healthy and ready to tackle anything, but I fear myself. I fear what I'll be confronted with next month.
I wish I could fully describe how difficult it is for me. I think my boyfriend realizes the extent of my suffering because he has to deal with it once a month too. Ultimately, I swear this post isn't just me complaining, it's more of a validation. Or maybe just an expression to anyone who might possibly be listening or care just a little.
Every month, I say THIS time I won't let it get me. THIS time I'll rise above it and remember who I really am. So far...I've been hanging in there. I just have to remain centered, right? I just have to try not to deal with any emotion, any thought, any self-degradation, until it's over. When I'll be able to think rationally.

Forgiving Myself for Sensitivity

So lately I've definitely been put in a situation that goes beyond my comfort zone. I can't believe it's already been a month, but I started a new job as a Social Media Specialist. I'm really glad I moved on from my old job, but it seems like apart from waking up, getting dressed, going to work, and then coming home, eating and sleeping, I haven't been able to accomplish much else.
In other times of my life, I would feel guilty or ashamed of myself, and try to put pressure on myself to do more. My sister happens to be very outgoing and growing up she would thrive on socializing and interacting with people. I, on the other hand, had some difficulty living up to those expectations. It really was a struggle, and not knowing why I couldn't be the talkative, outgoing person that my parents wanted me to be, really made me think poorly of myself. I also realized that my mom, who also happens to be less of a people-person, was struggling to keep me from becoming like her, which can be hard to do when genetics gets in the way.
Ultimately, being sensitive became the main part of my failures in life. My parents said I had a "low pain tolerance" that I "cried too much" was "too quiet" and in one instance said "I don't have any friends." Maybe some of you can relate to that, as a HSP it's really hard to live up to what everyone else expects of you. My dad especially couldn't understand why I avoided simple things like answering the phone, the front door, or ordering at a restaurant. To be honest, I didn't understand why all these seemingly simple things were so difficult for me.
I realize that I gained a fear of failure in everything I did that already ignited my sensitivity. It started to intensify even when I was just going for a walk down the street. Sensitivity is a part of who I am, at least in this physical world, and I need to embrace it. I need to stop trying to be like everyone else, stop trying to push my body to do what it can't, and enjoy all the gifts that sensitivity offers.
Just last weekend, I was trying to explain to my mom what being an HSP really meant. She didn't seem to understand that the definition of "Sensitivity" goes beyond just the normal indications. Honestly I still have a hard time not thinking of the phrase "you're too sensitive," when I explain I'm a Highly Sensitive Person. That's just me bringing my own stereotypes to something that is not negative at all. But I could see how my mom was very anti-being sensitive, as if I could just get over it.
That's how I had tried to live my life before -- getting over it. So I would push and push myself to live the lifestyle that my sister enjoyed. (BTW I love my sister and don't blame her for anything. I just see how trying to be like her will never work for me. Even though I still respect who she is.) Like I said, I'd try to maintain a more "stimulating" lifestyle and end up crashing into depression because I either couldn't sustain it, or couldn't enjoy it, or both. You get the idea.
Now, with my new job, (back to my original point) I am allowing myself to just deal with one thing. There is definitely a ton of other things I would like to work on. Finishing my two novels for one, but I realize now that it's okay if all I can handle is getting up and going to work. I've really started to love my sensitivity and notice it more instead of trying to push it down.
Before, when walking into a situation, I would push myself to make small talk but just end up feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Now I manage to say a few things, but if I don't have anything to say, then I just sit in silence. I realize that a lot of people are not comfortable with being quiet, but for me, I settle right into it and relax.
I need to do what's best for me. More importantly, I need to be my own best friend. I really believe people treat you the way you treat yourself. Before I was telling people to disrespect me because I'm "shy" and "timid." My parents drilled into my brain that I need to stop being so shy because people will take advantage of me. That's not true, just because you are quiet doesn't mean you will be taken advantage of. Furthermore, what my parents should've encouraged in me, is not to be something I'm not, but to embrace myself and respect and love myself above anyone else. That is really what will shape you and help you rise above.
So everyday I get up and go to work. If I mess up or forget something, I forgive myself. I give my greatest effort, but I forgive myself for my difficulties. If I need to just sit in my space and be quiet. Then I allow that.
I just want to add that this has made me become such a strong person. I know I'm not perfect and I continue to work on myself, but I have felt so much power in knowing and accepting this personal trait. So much so that my family views me completely differently. My sister, now comes to me for advice about dealing with anxiety and stress. My parents tell me how proud they are of me and how much I've grown. There was never any reason why I would have to become someone else, just accept who you are now and love yourself fully.
I'll mention one last thing that probably deserves its own post. My past is full of many dark times. I know I've only been here a short time relatively speaking, but I've let myself drop into deep depression and throughout it all I continued to try and understand myself. I never hid from it. Luckily it led to my discovery of being an HSP, which obviously can't solve all my problems, but for me was really a light bulb moment. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've come a long way and to have my entire family recognize that I was able to grow really solidifies what I feel inside.
Better go get ready for work!