At first, the world seems strange and unbearable. Your own body seems unruly and untrustworthy. You think you know how you feel, but the truth is you don't know why. I didn't suddenly wake up one day and think "I'm sensitive." I always knew I was. I always knew that situations affected me more, that I was more attuned to the suffering of animals and the sadness of my family. I thought I would grow out of it. I noticed how my sister would enjoy life in ways that I did not. I realized that I was happier alone, healing my silent injuries than trying to make others understand why I felt the way I felt. I internalized my parent's suffering. It was natural for me to turn their sadness into healing energy and try desperately to send it back. This was something that would drain my energy very easily. It's hard to explain to others, not in the highly sensitive state, what it feels like to be easily drained. I think they might assume that it has to do with the number of hours you are awake, or performing heavy labor. But it has nothing to do with that. I think a long hike in the woods would be less draining than going to a dinner with a group of people I didn't know. Seriously. No joke.
When I was growing up I spent hours alone, contemplating, crying, resting, drawing, writing, listening to music. These are all helpful, but being highly sensitive I know that there isn't some prescribed treatment that will "fix the problem."
My parents insisted that if I was uncomfortable with something, I just needed to keep doing it more often. Such as answering the phone, talking to strangers, and performing other tasks that were the source of much anxiety. I kept expecting to somehow be cured. That the more I involved myself in things I didn't enjoy, the closer I became to being like my sister. I realized at a later age, that I was never going to find those things enjoyable. Being social was never going to be the source of ease and relaxation. Instead, I ended up causing my body and nervous system more strain, stress, and discomfort until I broke down in a dramatic and unbearable way. I would then see my hard work as a complete failure and felt I was back to square one.
Realizing you're highly sensitive is beyond liberating, if you view it with the right opinion. I think for me, it was validation that I really was feeling life with an intensity that most others did not experience. I thought for much of my life, that others walked around in public much the way I did: extremely aware of everyone and everything around me with a strong feeling of self-conscious awareness as well. The truth is, most people didn't have a second thought about half the things I was struck with. Not just the emotions of people, but the noises, textures, lights, and movement. This made performing menial tasks extremely difficult, still does, but at least now I can respect my body for it's weaknesses, because I know I would never give up this gift.
Do I always feel that way? No. But ultimately, I enjoy my peaks enough to accept my plummets. And maybe, one day, enjoy those too.
Another thing that I hope by mentioning will help others, is the empath part of being highly sensitive. Being an empath in my own words, means having the ability to feel the energy emoted by others. It may sound like a cool superpower, but for me it's still entirely involuntary and very difficult to turn off. As an empath, I find my self agreeing to the wants and needs of others in order to relief the tension within my self. For me, resolving something isn't getting what I want, (for the most part), but instead relieving the other person's anger, sadness, anxiety, by resolving their issues. By doing this, I am able to feel the relief within myself. This was very true with my family situation. I often became, and am still sought after, a mediator between parents. I could relieve their anxiety and temporarily heal their conflicts. Unfortunately I can't fix them, so they would be at each other's throats soon after, but once again they would turn to me for relief. The sad truth being that this drained me a great deal.
Why am I sharing this? Because I had no clue that this was the reason I would rather be compliant than fight for what I want. Or even when my boyfriend wants to listen to a certain type of music, I'd rather listen to his music, than feel the tension that builds when he's listening to something he doesn't like. If you have this problem and haven't realized it yet, then it can be very confusing. In fact it can be fatally confusing and frightening. I hope this may offer some clarity to others with this condition because the alternative can be very sad. Let me explain.
After many years of giving energy in order to relieve the pain of those around me, (which I'm not saying was a selfish act by any means. This in many ways can be a selfish act, I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint and the rest of my family evil. Trying to give others what they want in order to relieve your own pain is really not helping anyone at all. I hope you'll understand though that I had no idea that this was the case. It was simply a learned behavior within my family for the quickest and easiest method for relief.) I was ultimately left with an overload of emotion and no way of identifying its source. Imagine feeling the intensity of anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, etc. without any way of identifying the source. In all honesty, I went mad. I would sit by myself suffering with emotion that I could not explain. I would try to connect it to past events, present events, but the truth was it was just daily life. It became too difficult for me and thinking back it was probably a combination of the sensitivity of daily life on top of the emotions of a variety of people that I carried the residue of where ever I went. You might not believe me, but if you are suffering from this, then you will probably understand exactly what I went through.
The insanity I felt, I suffered in silence. No one could help me because even I didn't know what was wrong. My parents felt I was incapable of functioning in the real world, they blamed my fear and shyness to the fact that I found living unbearable. How could I explain to them what I had not concept of myself? I had nothing to really suffer over, other than the plight of bickering parents, something very common for children growing up. Yes, it was sad, but the insanity I was facing was much too extreme to be simply the cause of a volatile family dynamic.
At the age of sixteen I finally resorted to self injury in order to put off the sickness. It was an endorphin released fix that would give me just enough strength to keep going. In fact I managed to maintain my composure for much longer. This is a very, very dangerous habit to begin. It's highly addictive and I wouldn't recommend even trying it for a second. The right combination of mental disease can make this a fatal sickness and it is the source of some of my most frightening moments. It's not something to fool around with and if I could take back all the scars I would. At the time I thought I had no choice, but really if I hadn't started it, I think it would've saved me a lot of grief. I was fearful to call the doctor, I was fearful to do anything, so the cutting continued. Eventually I confessed this to my mother and long story short I was put on medication.
I think being on anti-depressants, gave me a sneak peek at what life would be like if I wasn't highly sensitive. I would witness events, situations, I would want to react but nothing would happen. No tears, no physical reaction would appear. Unfortunately, I would still internalize everything. In the end it didn't resolve my "habit" but it did make it more bearable to get through day to day and I actually overcame the debilitating stomach knot that seemed to have permanently inserted itself into the center of my abdomen.
I think what really saved me, was not trying to "fix" myself, but recognizing what I was really feeling and then accepting it. In many ways I was made to feel that I had to be like everyone else. I had to function like everyone else, I had to enjoy the same activities, I had to be social and outgoing and not just fake it but actually enjoy it. You can't fool yourself, and when you think you're nothing but a huge failure it doesn't matter if you appear to be successful to everyone else.
In the end, I want this blog to be a source for others so they don't have to go through what I did. So young girls and boys who don't understand why they feel like crying or screaming or dying. When you know how to manage, accept and embrace it, life can be full and rich with emotion. But when you grow up thinking you are weak, too sensitive, shy and inadequate, by those who don't understand, it can be a terrible struggle.
Finally, I also hope that this blog will help me to overcome much of my fears and anxiety. And through my expression of challenges, sometimes in a somewhat humorous method, that others might realize that even our greatest fears can be our greatest strengths. The good news is that the more you experience life with a heightened awareness the more courage and self-confidence you gain back, slowly but surely. I published a novel, I am employed and I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands and respects my hyper-sensitivity. There is so much to appreciate in life, and there's no reason that you should go through it fighting the current. Let go and enjoy the ride. And if your hyper-sensitive too, then the ride will be that much more vibrant and beautiful.
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