I Love Lightning

Yesterday there was an amazing storm! Lightning just ignites my soul and I feel that I have to watch every second or I'll miss something special! So when I started hearing the booms, I instantly headed down the stairs and out the door. The clouds were so dark and so low I felt as though I could read up and touch them. The ominous thundering and crack shook my insides to the core. I watched it roll towards me gaining momentum. It wasn't long before the trees began to whip frantically back and forth.

I held my breath as another thick bolt branched downward leaving a light memory in my eyes. It was exhilarating, I felt the surge of static in the humid air. I was a bit frightened, imagining myself being struck, but it only added to my euphoria. I looked around and I was the only one standing in the street, eyes trained on the billowing clouds. Another crack of power vibrated my eardrums. So much power it made me feel so small and yet part of something infinite.

A drop of water hit my hair and then another on my face. The wind sweeping and churning around gave me a slight chill causing the hair to rise on my arms. The rain flowed like a curtain towards me and suddenly it was upon me soaking me almost instantly. I wiped water out of my eyes and started to run in pure delight. The lightning continued it's booming chorus now coupled by the melody of rain drops on pavement, rooftops and windshields.

By the time I made it back to my apartment, my clothing was soaked and my hair drenched. I darted up the stairs and out to our balcony. My poor cats were racing around the apartment in a mixture of fear and excitement. Not sure what they should do, but sensing the charge in the air.

I watched from my balcony as gusts of wind tossed trees around. The gutters overflowed like Niagra Falls and torrential rain instantly filled the pockets of earth that were deep enough. Then started the clink, clink, clink of hail as it bounced off our balcony's railing. I just stood in wonder at the power and soaked up the feeling that was like some kind of high I didn't want to end.

The lightning continued well into the early hours of the morning, but we managed to remain untouched. The next morning the rise in water level caused the rivers to overflow and flood their banks. My drive to work required a detour because of the current cruising at a decent pace across the road. The fields had been filled to become lakes and I noticed a kayake or two making their way slowly along the road. I hope no one was hurt during the storm and my heart goes out to the families that had to evacuate. I have a deep respect for nature and her incredible power.

Being My Best Friend First

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for not being my own best friend. I've always had a tendency to assume that I'm at fault. This causes all forms of self-loathing and obsession over what I've done wrong. Maybe as Empaths and Highly Sensitive People, we have extremely high expectations of ourselves. More so than of those around us. For me anyway, I always felt if I made a mistake, especially if I hurt someone else's feelings, I was the most horrible person in the world. Meanwhile, when other people hurt my feelings, I make excuses for them, or try to make them feel better.

It's so true (I've read this in various Empath descriptions) that Empaths would rather everyone around them feel better, even if that means subjecting themselves to intense pain. This is because when someone else feels guilty or ashamed, I seem to feel it ten times stronger! I hate that.

So, going back to my first ironic statement, when I say how I get so mad at myself...I'm finally recognizing that I do that. I realize that when I should really be defending myself, either openly or internally, instead I'm worrying about what the other person felt. By nature, I am constantly aware of how I am affecting other people and I've never hurt anyone. Yet I've felt responsible for taking the brunt of the pain from my own self-judgement.

Well no more! I'm going to be my own best friend from now on. Whenever someone gives me a weird look or when I've unintentionally insulted someone with an honest opinion, I'm going to say they can suck it up. Because isn't that what I expect of myself?

I'm tired of worrying over what I've said or done and all the mistakes I've made, on top of how others view me. I will do my best to help and heal those around me, but I need to come first. Part of that ability is by recognizing that I'm human. I can make a mistake, but I can be proud of myself and confident that I'm a good person. Definitely key to the Empath survival guide BTW:Be Your Own Best Friend.

My intentions are of the highest love and awareness, with this in mind I go forth with dignity!

HSPMS - Just for girls

So I decided to cover a topic that the two books I read on being an HSP didn't describe. It happens to fit nicely into a new abbreviation, HSPMS. Yes, I haven't seen it officially said, but I have to express my thoughts on the other detail that sets male and female HSP's apart. I'm not trying to further categorize, label, or say "we have it tougher than you!" But every woman knows that once a month she has to go through a pretty tough ordeal. It is my experience that HSP's possibly have an even tougher time with it.
Maybe this is TMI, but I'm trying to get through maybe the worst part. It's the few days before I actually get my period that I suffer. I go into a really, really deep depression, and that's a pretty infantile way to describe it. I start to feel like everything in my life is headed downhill, that I'm a terrible person and I am hideous to look at. I realize that most women probably will say the same things, they cry for no reason, feel ugly and fat, and probably experience degrees of depression. I don't know about you other HSP ladies, but for me these experiences make it virtually impossible to function in my daily life. I don't know how I make it out the other side. I probably wouldn't if I didn't have my boyfriend to support me and help me through it.
Just the other day I had tried talking to someone at the office. I could've sworn she was avoiding me and thinking I was totally weird. It caused a lot of negative thinking to erupt in my head and I kept having to remind myself that it wasn't me talking it was my period and all the hormones wrapped up in it.
I think it's possible that these were the times that led to my cutting. Yes, for a time I was self-injuring to get through life. It's one of the worst addictions and never really leaves you. I'm discovering now that it may have been during these times of particular depression that I gave in to the urges, and the thoughts still come back. I say this with the fear of sounding "dark" and "disturbed" but I can assure you that I've grown and studied myself as many of us HSP's do. And although the scars remain, I have yet to give in again for sometime now.
Am I all alone in this? Or do you feel that non-HSP women don't experience the debilitating effects of their periods in the same way that HSP's do? I mean it makes sense, we experience everything in its most raw form, so why wouldn't this be added to the list? Just attempting to explain it makes me feel better, hoping that someone finds this and says, yes I barely get through this time each month. I literally fear myself and what torture my mind might concoct this time. Right now, I feel miserable. I want to crawl into a hole and emerge refreshed with no one the wiser.
It's not just the sadness, I am extremely tired. I try to get more sleep, but my body and mind begin to function in slow motion. Which makes everything even harder to deal with than my normal HSP self. When I emerge on the other side, I feel confident and healthy and ready to tackle anything, but I fear myself. I fear what I'll be confronted with next month.
I wish I could fully describe how difficult it is for me. I think my boyfriend realizes the extent of my suffering because he has to deal with it once a month too. Ultimately, I swear this post isn't just me complaining, it's more of a validation. Or maybe just an expression to anyone who might possibly be listening or care just a little.
Every month, I say THIS time I won't let it get me. THIS time I'll rise above it and remember who I really am. So far...I've been hanging in there. I just have to remain centered, right? I just have to try not to deal with any emotion, any thought, any self-degradation, until it's over. When I'll be able to think rationally.

No Special Treatment!

Just because I'm "highly-sensitive" doesn't mean I want to be treated any differently by the people around me. That's not really the purpose of this blog. In fact, I think that most highly-sensitive people would prefer to not even share the information for fear of exactly that. It's in our nature (in my opinion) to not want to go around sharing information about ourselves especially if the word "sensitive" is involved. God I hate the word "sensitive" it's probably worse than "shy."
Let me just take a moment to break down the word sensitive. This word should really be synonymous with words such as "intuitive," "highly aware," "attuned," you get the idea. I did some simple investigating of my own (admittedly Dictionary.com) and found these as the top two definitions:

1. endowed with sensation; having perception through the senses.

2. readily or excessively affected by external agencies or influences.

This doesn't seem to imply a weakness of character, but rather a keen sense of awareness. Why is it that this definition seems to reign over our minds instead: "requiring tact or caution; delicate; touchy."
When someone calls us sensitive, we immediately assume that we're damaged in someway. Yet in the case of being "highly sensitive" it instead implies that we are attune to stimuli that others are less attuned to.
Here's a helpful example: a penguin in the cold, versus an alligator. Clearly the alligator is going to have a harder time functioning normally when he/she feels exposed to the elements. The penguin will wonder why the alligator isn't going about his/her business. They don't feel the cold like the alligator does. Catch my drift?
So back to the special treatment. The conundrum here is that while I secretly wish there was some kind of relief that was allotted to proven "sensitives" I would never in a million years feel deserving of it. I definitely think everyone is going through their own stresses and obstacles. Who am I to say that I need special treatment? I think what I've realized about this whole thing, is that I'm always going to have to be the one to give myself special treatment. I'm going to have to manage my own stresses and pressures by recognizing that I do need to rest or I'll break down completely.
Recently I've been in a week of slumpiness (my own word). I don't have any excuses as to why I've been completely lacking motivation. It might be a combination of job searching, working, and having friends over. It actually seems like whenever I even add slightly more to my usual routine, I sink into a vegetative mental coma and my body goes into auto-pilot. I really wish I could put my life on hold, but I can't, so I just have to ride it out until my next wave of energy strikes.
Here's what I have to keep reminding myself and I wonder if other sensitives need reminding like me. It's OK. I don't have to do anything. I can take this time to recoup. Today I managed to pay some bills that have been lying around on my kitchen table. I consider that a pretty good success. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a state of deep depression, I just feel drained. The fact that I haven't gotten anything done might have brought me to a state of self-loathing before. But it's so liberating to know that I don't have to put myself through that anymore.
All I need is some good support from my loved ones, the ones that understand and don't criticize, and I'm good to go! So as for that special treatment, you don't need it. You can do what you aspire to, you can create, invent, and manifest anything in your life. Just be your own best friend and forgive yourself for some of the difficult parts about being hyper sensitive.