Finding Your Twin Flame

I just recently came across a notion that I wasn't familiar with before. It's called Twin Flames or Twin Souls. If you haven't heard of it before I will try to briefly describe it without plagiarizing any of the many other websites I have read about it on.
There are two concepts that often get confused. Soul Mates and Twin Souls. Soul Mates are familiar souls in your soul group. These can appear in your physical life as lovers, family members, friends, and other familiars. When you meet a Soul Mate, you can recognize that this is someone you have known before. You feel an instant connection or you feel drawn to the familiarity of their nature. As we reincarnate, we tend to hang around similar souls that are meant to help us raise our awareness and teach us lessons that will help us reach divine oneness.

Twin Souls, are divided from the same soul into two opposites (male and female). But they come from the same soul. Apparently from the one source, souls are divided into groups of souls and then finally in their last division are separate into two halves of a whole soul. Honestly, I can only speak from experience that this is in fact true. Although, I feel there are many variables that are difficult to account for. I will try to give my impression of these in a moment.

Ultimately, you will meet your Twin Soul when you are both on the path to discovery and enlightenment. Sometimes all the variables in the physical realm will not be in place to allow you to be with one another. (I've read this in other descriptions, and it makes sense that even if you do meet your Twin Soul you might not be in the right circumstances to successfully carry out a relationship with them.)

What this post is leading to, is the fact that I've undoubtedly found my Twin Soul. We have been together now for 5 years, but it feels as if we've lived many lifetimes together. This feeling was present since we first spent time with one another. I don't expect you to believe me, at least not when you do not know me or my partner personally. But because this is my blog, I am choosing to divulge this information as I feel it is pertinent to my growth and my life experiences.

Since this post is growing rather large, I want to finish with a reflection on some situations that I don't know if I really have the answer to. Although, because I have experienced this myself (the Twin Flame phenomenon) I have to believe without a doubt that this relationship is true. However, my question is homosexuality. Is it possible for these relationships to result in a Twin Flame relationship? I'm not a closed-minded person, I am in a heterosexual relationship, but I do believe that two people of the same sex can be in love.

Does the Twin Flame phenomenon require that the couple be physically different genders? I have not read anything about this at other websites. Is it possible that they spiritually embody the female and male energies, but do not represent them physically? Or does this situation not result in a Twin Flame relationship and will wait until a different incarnation? I'm not sure...although I still trust in the phenomenon. I will certainly be asking my guides about this one.

Well, in the following posts I will be sharing more on why I am certain I am in a Twin Flame relationship. Although previously I was unaware of this term, despite this fact, my partner and I were experiencing this sensation and awareness prior to coming across this information.

I hope you will find my experiences helpful.

Am I Even Going Anywhere?

I'm sitting here, I know I should be working on something productive. But something has caused me to get stuck. I feel that I've grown, maybe I've just had a period of euphoria and so I must now have a time of sadness. I can't seem to get unstuck though!
The main problem is this feeling of being trapped at my job. I think maybe it isn't a very good situation for me. I don't feel like I belong here. I think I'm just completely frustrated with the work environment, sitting at a desk, trying to plug into the corporate world, but I just can't. I'm completely opposite from what this place expects from me.
Inside I've been feeling like I'm battling uphill. I'm trying desperately to grab onto some kind of purchase, but it all crumbles beneath me. What hurts the most, is that I feel so grateful for all that I do have and so I can't seem to figure out what is missing. I should be so at ease with my life. It's easy and I am so loved, which I really can't contain the appreciation for that. It's this work situation. Maybe I just need a break, I don't know, I feel really selfish for saying that, because most people go through many more years of working without taking a significant break and they feel very grateful for this.
I also don't want to come across as being very selfish about my time and my personal expectations. The thing is I can't seem to overcome it. I've been trying, but I just can't ignore this voice inside my head that tells me I need to seek something outside of this business world and just experience the things that come naturally to me.
It's like a horse trying to be a bird. I'm never going to be able to sustain this, I feel like I'm playing this game and putting on a facade and inside I'm just waiting to express all the gifts I've been given. Recently I've been able to connect with my deceased Grandma. She comforts me and is watching over me and even talks to me sometimes.
I've been getting some messages from other spirits too. I also discovered a few things about myself that I've maybe been receiving these messages all along and have just been ignoring or denying them. I feel like life has all these potentials. Maybe I should take the leap, but it is still so scary to take that risk.
I just had to confess these feelings. I don't want to feel this way, I'm trying so hard to not be negative, maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm really, really negative and just release it all and continue to release it all until it's over. I'm definitely not trying to harp on it, it's almost like I try to ignore it and move forward and stay positive and it slowly builds up and takes over.
It doesn't help that I'm an Empath and feel like the world is a volume dial turned on full blast. I've tried to turn the dial down, the only real relief I can get is being alone.
I keep cursing this behavior, because I've grown so much and I've learned so much about myself. I ask the question: Am I Even Going Anywhere? Because right when I think I'm breaking free from the spiral, I get dragged right down into the worst of it again.
I'm pretty much sensing the answer is this: "Life is a series of highs and lows and I am looking for perfection in myself. When I don't see that perfection, I start blaming myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong to put me in this position. It's not that at all. It's the nature of life and being human. If you are feeling this way, if you are feeling sad, be easy on yourself, let yourself relax and recoup. Don't be harder on yourself, just find a safe place and coast through it. Give your body and mind what it needs to make it through. Don't feel guilty that you aren't getting as much done as before. This is because you are experiencing the ebb and flow, rise above this by recognizing that it will pass. All things good or bad eventually pass."
(This was a moment of intuitive writing. Often when writing the answer asks to be written. Afterwards I feel like I've been meditating.)

Giving, Believing, Receiving

Is it really possible? For me to attain my dreams? Sometimes the question is so easily answered. Sometimes I am so confident that I am capable of anything. But then suddenly I will have a moment of doubt. I'll ask, why should I deserve what I want when many others fail to live their dreams? I try to block out this other voice that creeps up on me when I'm not paying attention. It's not just feeling that I'm undeserving, it's the daunting idea of how much work must be done, how much time is needed, and how I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions.

I've felt a strong pull towards the idea of Giving. I want to get out of this desk job, I'm tired of sitting in front of a computer all day taking orders all day like I'm less worthy of an opinion because I'm inexperienced. The hierarchy of jobs seems necessary, but I just can't accept it. Not that I'm not completely respectful of those who have more knowledge on their jobs and honor the fact that they've been doing it for many years more than I. It's not that at all. I just feel myself creeping into this, I'm not worthy of my own free time, state of mind. Which I hate.

So where does that leave me? Back to the Giving. I have begun to give my book, my dream, to anyone who will read it. I can't believe how many reviewers actually reply to my queries saying "WOW, this looks great!" It's thrilling. I'm giving my art and sharing it, and all I want in return is for them to read and enjoy it. That's all I've ever wanted, was to be able to share my stories, my worlds with everyone and be able to sustain my life through my art.

You can see how wanting to become an author feels so daunting. There are some many people working towards the same thing. I try to maintain tunnel vision and forget all those other people. The truth is they're not competition. They're not competition at all. I'm not trying to get people to buy my book over theirs, I'm just trying to share my story. Do I only buy one book? No, of course not, there's plenty of room in my library, on my kindle, to buy their book and mine. That's the truth, step out of this mind set that there is not enough to go around. There is plenty.

So that's where I'm left, Giving, Believing, and Receiving. See, I'm not a world-renowned author, but I'm Receiving anyway. Every time someone reads my book and enjoys it, or finds it thought-provoking, helps me keep going. Helps me find the motivation and confidence to just keep sharing.

I'd rather spend my money to send more books out than buy a new shirt or DVD. So that's where I'm left. It's never a waste of money to Give.

Hmm...I guess this post was just a reassurance to myself that everything will be fine. That I'm headed in the right direction. I'll never give up. I'll never stop working towards this.

Holding a Star

As an Empath, I think I find it most difficult to survive in the average work environment. I had a meeting yesterday and it frazzled me so much, not that anything went wrong, but I got shaky and I just felt so on edge. I think every time I experience how much normal situations affect me physically, it just makes me want to give up all together! I mean, seriously, what person starts shaking when they are just chatting with a small group of people? I mean, my boss was included, but still. It's just not something the average person has to deal with. I feel so exhausted by the end of the day, I wonder how much longer I can keep this charade up! The problem is, I don't have much of a choice...I mean I need to make money to make a living...I don't plan on moving back home any time soon.

As Empaths, I think we need to give ourselves credit for simple things. Even though someone else might think it strange, I really need to reward myself for something as simple as getting my car registered, getting through the grocery store, heck, making a phone call! Everything causes stress to my body, and sometimes it gets too much for me and I want to run and hide. This is because I'm a HSP too...so in case this doesn't apply to every Empath, it most certainly applies to HSP's. I'm learning that not all Empaths are HSPs... (Highly Sensitive).

So what does all this have to do with stars? Well like I said, I made it through a particularly stressful day, and when I got home I just felt like I couldn't go on. I wanted to run from my job and all my responsibilities, yet of course my ego stepped in and said YOU CAN'T! You have no choice in the matter! You have to go to work!

This feeling of being trapped in a lifestyle I can't handle left me in a panic, which it always does. It's like the whole world is falling on top of you and you can't run to avoid it. The truth is, and I can reason this out fairly easily, is that I'm doing fine. Heck, if I don't do fine I'll just get fired. That's the worst that can happen, and then I can just find another job. I'm not completely without resources! Anyway, you've probably been there, I couldn't get past the fear of one more day.

So I laid down to sleep and I said "Help me! Please help me get through this!" I guess I was asking my spirit guides. I called to one named Mariah. I heard her telling me to start walking down the path in my mind that I always go to. It was difficult though, I was in darkness and there was a burning sensation in my stomach from the panic rising inside me.

Suddenly there appeared a star in my mind's upturned hands. It was bright and I could see that it was illuminating myself and the surrounding darkness. I instantly felt better. It was a special star and it led me to my mind's path that I always go to. Once there I could see the night's sky and the many stars dotting the blackness. It was a different kind of darkness.

Now, I didn't have a clear view of everything, but I could tell this star was washing all my negativity clean. It was keeping at bay all those negativity thoughts and I just immediately felt the difference.

I usually don't picture white light around myself. It's not an exercise I normally do. I've actually been told to picture a clear protection so as not to attract the opposite of white light to yourself. (Picture moths to a flame, the moths being negativity) My point being that the star appeared before me as a gift, not my own creating. I think maybe my Spirit Guide put it there to help me clear away all those fearful thoughts that were drowning me. I was able to sleep the rest of the night.

Dear Ego, a letter from the heart

I feel like I am going through an inner battle. I realize that this is something that goes along with being a human. Basically my thoughts and tendencies really frustrate me. Every time I have a negative thought or feeling like the world is crashing down, I feel like I'm trapped inside this ego. I think probably I'm suppose to be doing the opposite. Rather than fighting it, just accept it. Recognize that these thoughts are like clouds in the sky, they will pass, but more will follow. Still, the sky remains peaceful. So why do I fall for the ego every time? (Maybe not every time, but it feels that way.)

I feel most happy when I am in nature. It is so rewarding to have those moments to myself where I can absorb that energy and feel freedom from my inner dialogue. Why is my ego so hurtful to me? This question has prompted me to write a letter.

Dear Ego,

Okay, listen, I know that you're only trying to survive. It's an instinctual thing and in many ways out of your control, but when did survival turn into judgement and criticism? It seems like the world today has become one huge ego and you are constantly trying to keep me in line. You keep telling me my passions are too dangerous, or that I'll never manifest what I really want. Well you're wrong! I mean, lighten up a little! You keep forgetting that I'm a spiritual being. I don't need to worry about what other people are thinking about me, or whether or not I'm "succeeding" in what society believes to be a number one priority: i.e. money. Can't we just be grateful for what we have in this moment and stop worrying about what the future holds? Or worrying about past events that will never change?

If we could just become one team, I'll let you help my physical body survive and you can let me pursue my passions without compiling a list of fears and failures. Then maybe I could start manifesting a life of bliss without any doubts holding me back. I would wake up each morning knowing that this life is mine to create and there is no failure, there is no lack, I only need to believe in myself and believe in the kindness of the Universe.

So why not just leave me alone, the real me, the one you keep forgetting about and trying to keep me from remembering? The me that has everything and lacks nothing. The me that is infinite and doesn't fear losing the "I" because it is everywhere and everything. I understand you, but you do not have control of me. You never did, although maybe I've mistaken the part for the whole in the past. I don't hate you, I don't judge you, I am just telling you that I realize now that I've always been the Jailer and the Inmate at once, you were never a part in that.

P.S. Thanks for keeping my vehicle safe!

-Juniper

An Awakening?

So my previous post must have seemed kind of negative. Sometimes when I'm frustrated with what I'm doing I feel selfish, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and just plain greedy. Like, I already have SO much to be grateful for, why do I keep needing more? But when I try to accept this and move on, the feelings remain. The feelings that I'm unsatisfied with my day to day routine. How I feel like working at my desk job is a complete waste of time. How I have so much passion and creativity inside me that is bursting to come out, but I spend so much of my energy on things that I feel are just a waste of life. Just the thought of jumping into my greatest passions in life (traveling, writing, reading, hiking, horseback riding) leaves me with the greatest feeling of relief and terror at the same time. Don't worry, I'm leading up to something important...

Last night I was reading a book about astral projection.http://www.johnmagnus.com/Astral_Projection_and_the_Nature_of_Reality_by_John_Magnus I've been really fascinated by this concept because I think it would be so freeing to be able to leave my physical body for a little while. I want to badly to shed my ego and all the worrying that goes along with it.

Anyway, so I've been struggling with these thoughts and while reading this book everything was brought into perspective for me. The author John Magnus explains how the soul created the physical world to explore and experience and thus needed the physical body to experience it in. In order for the physical body to survive, the ego had to be developed because the soul was not going to know how to look after the needs of the physical body: food, water, shelter. From the ego's desire to survive came reasoning, because the ego needed to reason which situations, people, decisions, would result in the death of the body. Ultimately this led to judgement of others, oneself, and situations as "good" or "bad." Follow that with the reasoning that because the ego could not see anything but the physical realm, it deemed everything else unreasonable and thus we closed ourselves off from our higher selves.

I'm probably not the best to explain, so I would suggest buying a book on the subject. You don't have to buy the one I'm reading, I just thought I would share.

So, finally we are left with this ego who believes that it has to earn money in order to survive. Yes, greed was acquired by the ego because its sole focus is on self-survival. So our society is built on this foundation of greed, which we've forgotten why it exists in the first place. It seems that yes, it was necessary to have the ego so the physical form wouldn't starve to death, but we've forgotten the real reason we're here. To explore, enjoy, grow, and experience life to its fullest. The book goes on to explain that we feel unsatisfied when we are not following these true passions, but every time we feel the need to break free from our egos. They sneak up again and tell us how important our jobs are in order for us to survive. That fear just holds us in our current situations and tells us that the risk is just too great.

Let me just say how validating this chapter was. Granted I knew that this was why I was feeling the way I was. But it really drove home that I'm not greedy or selfish, it's just my higher self telling me that there is so much more potential in the world that my ego is trying to shelter me from. I do feel that pull to seek something greater and to follow my passions, but the fear of starving or losing all my money is greater. So where do I go next?

Well I am trying to pursue my passions, it still doesn't feel good enough, but I'm asking the question. I'm allowing myself to feel this way, and I'm believing that I will find a way to do this. I really am grateful for everything I've been given and I know this is the final piece of the puzzle. Why shouldn't I seek my higher self? Why shouldn't I allow myself to pursue my passions? We can't let society tell us that we are only as good as the money we make. I want to take risks, because I know that I'll never get rid of this feeling. I'll never accept a mediocre lifestyle. This yearning within my is a fire I can't seem to put out. It's a blaze I can't ignore. I just need to take the first step in believing I can do this.

Frustrated With Myself

So, lately I've felt this anger and frustration. I guess it comes and goes, but it's mainly over being stuck inside all day and having to sit at a desk. I know this is something millions of people do daily, I just can't bring myself to accept it. I feel so restless and I want to be able to work on myself and study everything about spiritual growth, yet society forces us into these little boxes and stuffs all our desires down into the deepest part of ourselves so we're just mechanical workers. Not questioning anything, just pushing through our day for some pipe dream in the distant future.

How is it that we can base our entire lives on the future? We go from one societal expectation to the next. We go through our jobs hoping for a better opportunity, we get into a relationship to hopefully one day get married, then have kids and then just wait for the day when we retire. I don't think there's anything wrong with living a simple life, being happy doesn't require any thing or place or situation. I really feel it is a choice that you can claim now. Whenever I feel like I just want to run away and hide because I just feel like I can't stand another day of the same thing, I try to be present. I think of how grateful I am for what I have and how far I've come.

I guess the reason I equate it with anger, is that I'm just angry with myself for not being strong enough to go for what I want. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I took this job is because my family said that it was a great opportunity. I agree that it is, but I wonder if it's really the best thing for me. Deep down I feel that whatever I pursued, I could make a success. I believe that everything would work out.

As I keep exploring and studying being an empath and spiritual growth, I feel that this is something I really would love to pursue. I ask my Spirit Guides for the next step. I see other people who are making a life from it and I ask, why couldn't I have that too? Maybe what's holding me back is this feeling that I don't deserve to have everything.

I do believe that once you change your inside, the outside will change to match it. So maybe the proof is in the pudding. There are people out there who are working hard, but they're passionate about what they're doing. They are fully satisfied. I need to believe that I deserve that. In some ways, I believe that working will always be something that I dislike and have to force myself through, but the truth is I'm creating that reality.

This article really helped me get through this day: Stop Asking Life for Permission to Have What You Want

Cassiel, Meeting My Archangel

So my experience with my Spirit Guides went a step further last night. It was almost like I was lucid dreaming because I fell asleep somewhere between talking to them and watching a vision. I felt the pressure on my third eye throughout the experience, I think it was real...

This time I wanted to speak to Cassiel. I felt like he was going to give me some really good advice. Maybe some of the other messages will come back to me as I write this post, because I lost some of it I think. One thing I remember is that he told me he was going to be around for a while. I could sense as though he was going to help me grow my abilities and that I was going to get used to communicating with him. It felt really calming to know that he wasn't going anywhere. Finally I decided to do an exercise, everything kind of just flowed from one thing to the next.

First I imagined my third eye opening and a bright light emanating from it. I watched as it projected images on the wall of my bedroom like I was watching a film. It was almost like Cassiel was narrating it. The whole time I felt this pressure on my third eye.

So what he showed me was me. My whole life almost. I saw myself as a small child and there was all this light and I was outside sitting in the grass. There was this light coming down, which was the sun, but it also was something more. Like the heavens had been watching me the whole time. I had been born in innocence with these gifts and suddenly I was sensing my whole life and how I had become lost, but how now I would start to regain them again.

I felt that I was in a new phase of my life and that Cassiel was here to help me regain a lot of what I had lost. I guess one thing I don't want to sound like, is that I'm bragging or something. All this information was just for me and I'm sure everyone has their own path to walk and is on their own journey of discovery. For me, it felt like I was reconnecting with something I had lost as a child. I had an image of myself just holding my infant self. This blog is a way for me to validate all these pieces that I'm slowly putting back together. I don't know why, but I have such a strong desire to share it and also to document it. Maybe it makes it more real? I don't know, but I feel that everything will become clear shortly.

Lastly, I think I met the last of my Spirit Guides. Theodore, something like "Stellar", and Maya...that later turned into "Mayan Priestess" so that must be what she calls herself. I saw a darker figure in the background and got two letters like "E" and "M" and I wasn't sure if it was something like Emmanuel but I was told by the others not to acknowledge him. I had a sense he was a shadow figure and a negative entity and they were really trying to push him out of the circle.

So that is my update. I didn't communicate further, I must've fell asleep after that. I do want to contact them again and get more information, but I do find that I only get snippets of contact and then my own mind almost tries to come in and fill space or something. I think I'll get better at just listening as I practice more and more.

Meeting My Spirit Guides

So, the more I've been exploring my abilities and feelings, the more the idea of connecting with my Spirit Guides has been coming up. I have a tendency to doubt what I'm hearing or feeling, I'll communicate and then doubt that what I heard was real, even though I'll usually take their advice.

Anyway, its been a while since I communicated and I felt like I wanted to really know who they are. All these things that were just in my peripheral, are now becoming very real. I've always believed and sensed that I was using my abilities, but I'm finally trying to become active with them.

So last night was pretty eventful for me. First, my boyfriend asked that I give him a massage because his neck was sore. I was able to really help him open up his energies. When I was a child, my mother used to tell me I had "magic fingers" because I used to heal her. My boyfriend experiences the same thing when I rub his shoulders or do some acupressure on key points. He even said that he can feel a heat emanating from them, which I've seen other Empaths mention on various forums.

Well at the end of the healing session, I felt so relaxed. I think it felt good to help my boyfriend feel good. I could feel my own energies matching his the more I healed him and just wiped away all the negativity. We always exchange energies so it's really easy to do.

Then I went to bed shortly after and decided to use a quartz crystal on my third eye and try to communicate with my Spirit Guides. I keep hearing them speak, but I am unsure of what they are saying and it's easiest to hear them talk when I just lay down and relax.

First I saw them all around me. I believe there were seven total. The one closest to me was Mariah. At least that's what I think she said. She was very soothing and friendly. Next to her was Ethan. The person next to him I couldn't discern I think it might've been female, but I wasn't too sure. It was hanging back. Next to that being was my horse. I already knew he would be there. He stays close to me and comforts me a lot. I feel that I can bring him close when I need to.

There were two more spirits that I am unsure of. They were hanging back as well. But midway through trying to discern everyone, I saw a man in armor walk in. I sensed him as a knight and the name Cassiel slowly formed in my head.

I'm not very familiar with the bible, but to my surprise I looked up the name the next day and discovered that Cassiel is an archangel who represents father time. He is all about the cosmos, magic, and considered the Angel of Mind Expansion. I was really overcome by emotion when I discovered this, it felt like he was the perfect archangel for me and what I was seeking. I didn't get to talk to him at all, but I remember him entering from like a doorway of light.

When I told my boyfriend, he said the previous week he had discovered one of his old bibles with a page torn out and sitting on top of the book. When he read the passage, it was titled Armor of Light. Needless to say we were both pretty surprised.

One thing I asked was if they had a message for me. I heard the words, "Stay calm, watch and see." Maybe they were waiting for me to discover who Cassiel was, but I'm not sure if something more will come to me. I am certainly going to contact Cassiel tonight and see what he says. He was definitely different from the other spirit guides.

Another thing that amazed me, was that I discovered a way that they've been communicating with me my whole life and I didn't know. Whenever I get this feeling, which up until now I haven't been able to describe, I get these intense chills that start at my back and move throughout my body. During that meditation it dawned on me that it was a way they could tell me something was a message from them. It was such a strong realization, meeting them was so amazing that I was crying just at the feeling of connecting with spirit.

One last thing...I've been trying to open up my third eye. Originally it seemed to burn alot, it was a really strong pressure for awhile. Maybe five or six months ago, however, now it's a bit quiet. I can sense it with very light pressure, but it's not very strong. Yet, what has really intensified is my solar plexus. I seem to use it to judge things more than my third eye.

When I pick up stones, I can instantly feel what they are emanating through my solar plexus. It's an interesting sensation, but very powerful. I often use it to manifest things in my life. My boyfriend seemed to feel that was a good thing, I'll have to look into this further, but I think sometimes it's better to work from your solar plexus than from your third eye. I don't think you want to be up in your head all the time! I'm certain it will all become clear in time.

Blue Jay Totem -- A Near Death Experience

I was driving home from work yesterday. It was a beautiful day and I couldn't wait to just get home and take a nice long walk outside. Somewhere in the middle of singing a song and turning a corner, a Blue Jay dropped vertically down, right in front of my car. My first response was to gasp and to break, but there was no way I was stopping in time. The Blue Jay disappeared below my car and I held my breath as I passed over it. I couldn't hear any excruciating "thump," and my gaze darted to my rear view mirror where I could see the dazed little Blue Jay standing in the center of the road a bit confused, before flying safely back into a tree.

My first reaction was shock, then I gave a laugh of relief. I knew if I had hit that little Jay it would've ruined my whole evening. But after that shock wore off, I started to realize that the Blue Jay must have been an animal spirit visiting me to deliver a message.

Here is some information on the Blue Jay Totem. Basically, the Blue Jay is a bold little creature and represents clarity and honesty. He teaches assertiveness, communication, and reminds us to be open with ourselves in order to reach our higher state. I hope the energy of the Blue Jay is staying close because as an Empath, I know I have a hard time communicating my thoughts and how I feel. I'm often frustrated at myself when a situation passes and I wasn't able to express myself properly.

Most recently, I've felt that I struggle with getting my meaning across. Almost like there's a spell on me that takes away my ability to speak, is someone playing a joke on me?

I'm not sure exactly what the Blue Jay is going to teach me, but he certainly got my attention. I'm going to draw his energy closer and see what I discover.

I Love Lightning

Yesterday there was an amazing storm! Lightning just ignites my soul and I feel that I have to watch every second or I'll miss something special! So when I started hearing the booms, I instantly headed down the stairs and out the door. The clouds were so dark and so low I felt as though I could read up and touch them. The ominous thundering and crack shook my insides to the core. I watched it roll towards me gaining momentum. It wasn't long before the trees began to whip frantically back and forth.

I held my breath as another thick bolt branched downward leaving a light memory in my eyes. It was exhilarating, I felt the surge of static in the humid air. I was a bit frightened, imagining myself being struck, but it only added to my euphoria. I looked around and I was the only one standing in the street, eyes trained on the billowing clouds. Another crack of power vibrated my eardrums. So much power it made me feel so small and yet part of something infinite.

A drop of water hit my hair and then another on my face. The wind sweeping and churning around gave me a slight chill causing the hair to rise on my arms. The rain flowed like a curtain towards me and suddenly it was upon me soaking me almost instantly. I wiped water out of my eyes and started to run in pure delight. The lightning continued it's booming chorus now coupled by the melody of rain drops on pavement, rooftops and windshields.

By the time I made it back to my apartment, my clothing was soaked and my hair drenched. I darted up the stairs and out to our balcony. My poor cats were racing around the apartment in a mixture of fear and excitement. Not sure what they should do, but sensing the charge in the air.

I watched from my balcony as gusts of wind tossed trees around. The gutters overflowed like Niagra Falls and torrential rain instantly filled the pockets of earth that were deep enough. Then started the clink, clink, clink of hail as it bounced off our balcony's railing. I just stood in wonder at the power and soaked up the feeling that was like some kind of high I didn't want to end.

The lightning continued well into the early hours of the morning, but we managed to remain untouched. The next morning the rise in water level caused the rivers to overflow and flood their banks. My drive to work required a detour because of the current cruising at a decent pace across the road. The fields had been filled to become lakes and I noticed a kayake or two making their way slowly along the road. I hope no one was hurt during the storm and my heart goes out to the families that had to evacuate. I have a deep respect for nature and her incredible power.

Being My Best Friend First

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for not being my own best friend. I've always had a tendency to assume that I'm at fault. This causes all forms of self-loathing and obsession over what I've done wrong. Maybe as Empaths and Highly Sensitive People, we have extremely high expectations of ourselves. More so than of those around us. For me anyway, I always felt if I made a mistake, especially if I hurt someone else's feelings, I was the most horrible person in the world. Meanwhile, when other people hurt my feelings, I make excuses for them, or try to make them feel better.

It's so true (I've read this in various Empath descriptions) that Empaths would rather everyone around them feel better, even if that means subjecting themselves to intense pain. This is because when someone else feels guilty or ashamed, I seem to feel it ten times stronger! I hate that.

So, going back to my first ironic statement, when I say how I get so mad at myself...I'm finally recognizing that I do that. I realize that when I should really be defending myself, either openly or internally, instead I'm worrying about what the other person felt. By nature, I am constantly aware of how I am affecting other people and I've never hurt anyone. Yet I've felt responsible for taking the brunt of the pain from my own self-judgement.

Well no more! I'm going to be my own best friend from now on. Whenever someone gives me a weird look or when I've unintentionally insulted someone with an honest opinion, I'm going to say they can suck it up. Because isn't that what I expect of myself?

I'm tired of worrying over what I've said or done and all the mistakes I've made, on top of how others view me. I will do my best to help and heal those around me, but I need to come first. Part of that ability is by recognizing that I'm human. I can make a mistake, but I can be proud of myself and confident that I'm a good person. Definitely key to the Empath survival guide BTW:Be Your Own Best Friend.

My intentions are of the highest love and awareness, with this in mind I go forth with dignity!

Finding Myself Sensitive-Style

So I joined a group for empaths online (see new pretty widget!) and I'm starting to really connect with myself at a new level.

For a long time I’ve been denying parts of me that I feel I need to either embrace or discard. Allow me to explain. I feel a strong connection to nature, I also feel terribly uncomfortable in crowds, I am able to heal others, and I feel as though I take on the pains, joys, emotions, etc. of others. This goes back to my empathy vs. sensitive post before, and I’ve explored it more. I see more and more people are using the terms synonymously which each other. I wonder if maybe HSP is a term that is more acceptable in modern society, where as HSP’s would be eager to accept the empath label. I do feel that HSP is such a technical term, whereas empath flows better.

So what I’ve decided, is I’m going to explore all aspects of my capabilities. If I find that maybe I’m not really as capable of using the abilities that I thought I was, then I can accept that maybe I can’t feel others’ emotions or maybe I’m not capable of healing people/animals. But first I think I should probably accept wholeheartedly that maybe I can and maybe these are really the answers I’ve been seeking for so long. Thus, this is the post that will start me on the path. A path that calls to me when I am ready to discover something new about myself and about the world.

I’ve been posting some personal experiences on my empath forum and joining groups too. I think one thing that I’ve been disappointed in, is not seeing any information on how to really strengthen empathic abilities. First, I want to note that I haven’t yet read a book on being an empath, which is my next step in this process. (I’ll most likely order one ASAP). Second, I haven’t explored the endless stream of content on the site, so maybe I’m just missing where all this is documented. But to me, this is a priority. Most of the books/discussions/articles, seem to point towards protecting yourself. I really, really want to be able to strengthen it and use it.

Don’t get me wrong, just like every empath out there, I am fearful, exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed by these abilities and I too want to learn how to cut others off. But as I’ve lived with it, I’m learning that I can do that, I just have to take a moment to become aware that this is happening. When I’m not present, I tend to get caught up in all the energies and lose myself. Now that I’ve owned it and put a name on it, I’m aware and I cut myself off.

So what my conclusion has been thus far, and I will have to get back to you as I slowly learn more and more, is that these abilities are based on awareness of them. First step for me has been admitting to everything, even the things that I think might cause my boyfriend to think I’m crazy. This is what I’ve been going through. Reading everything that’s out there and trying to figure out what applies to me and then owning it. I’ve realized that I haven’t been entirely truthful with myself, and I also haven’t exercised the possibilities of what is causing certain feelings in me. I do know one thing. It feels right to head in this direction. Every time I relate to something someone has posted about being in nature, or feeling the energies of stones, every time I read more and more, it feels right, and I feel like I’m one step closer to something amazing.

There are so many ways that I still haven’t accepted myself. Recently I discovered a stairway that no one uses at work throughout the day. It is the perfect spot to escape to. I realized that even when I’m not interacting with co-workers, I’m still being effected by being in the same area as them. When I step in this stairwell and shut the door, a huge wave of relief, (tension that I didn’t even know I was holding onto) washes over me. I realize that I’m affected by their emotions, thoughts, stresses, without realizing it. Now I know that I need to release that stress and separate from myself physically from it. Maybe one day I can protect myself without having to do this, but as stupid as it sounds, this is what I have to do for now.

My other goal, after awareness, and after buying the book(not sure which is the right one yet), which I’m going to ask the Universe for, I am going to begin meditating more. This should allow me to focus my energies better and clear my mind, and step into the present more easily.

Wish me luck!

Empath or Highly Sensitive?

I started thinking about how I first figured out that I was an HSP. It was from finding the term Empath, which eventually led me to Elaine Aron's book. It got me thinking if all HSP's were Empaths or if all Empaths were HSP's and what the difference really was?
I'm not expert on the definitions surrounding these two terms, but I am curious to find out more. Here's one link on being an empath. Is it that the term "empath" is really a more supernatural power than the more scientifically accepted, "Highly Sensitive Person." Or maybe it's not entirely common for an HSP to also be an empath? I know that empath (even though I hate putting different labels on every part of me) is a suitable description for how I feel around people. I suppose the reason I would be an empath is because I'm an HSP, which is really more a physical description for all the non-HSP's to explain things that us HSP's just accept without question.
Do I need someone to test my blood or DNA to know I'm an HSP? NO! It was merely a term that I can use to describe something I've subconsciously known my whole life.
Speaking of life, being either an HSP or empath, whichever you prefer, makes life a whole lot more difficult. I'm sure I mentioned before how I've recently started a new job. It has really drained me, not the work I have to do, just all the new stimulus. Particularly finding new ways to act and react around people. Honestly, working alone (even if it's a lot of work) is way less stressful than sitting in a meeting where I don't have to say a single thing. Just sit there with my heart pounding and my skin prickly.
This past weekend I went to a party for one of my coworkers who was getting married. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is an HSP and refused to go, although it gave me one less person to be attuned to. Luckily, it went smoothly, I'm sort of a sensation seeker, so I do enjoy a party now and then. But it turns into more than just the party, and the time before and after are occupied by my energies surrounding the event.
Last night was Sunday and all I felt like doing was running away. I realize in my head that I'm doing well, that I'm keeping my head above water. But I wonder how long I can sustain treading water. I don't blame my job or anyone else, it's simply the life of an HSP. Trying desperately to keep up with the fast pace of the American social norms. I dream often of running away into the mountains. Living in the woods and surviving in nature. To some that might seem horrendous or barbaric. But for me, honestly it seems far less worrisome than waking up and facing the expectations of a normal life.
Maybe I should tie that into being an empath? Well if anyone has a good book suggestions for dealing with being an empath, I'd really like to know.

HSPMS - Just for girls

So I decided to cover a topic that the two books I read on being an HSP didn't describe. It happens to fit nicely into a new abbreviation, HSPMS. Yes, I haven't seen it officially said, but I have to express my thoughts on the other detail that sets male and female HSP's apart. I'm not trying to further categorize, label, or say "we have it tougher than you!" But every woman knows that once a month she has to go through a pretty tough ordeal. It is my experience that HSP's possibly have an even tougher time with it.
Maybe this is TMI, but I'm trying to get through maybe the worst part. It's the few days before I actually get my period that I suffer. I go into a really, really deep depression, and that's a pretty infantile way to describe it. I start to feel like everything in my life is headed downhill, that I'm a terrible person and I am hideous to look at. I realize that most women probably will say the same things, they cry for no reason, feel ugly and fat, and probably experience degrees of depression. I don't know about you other HSP ladies, but for me these experiences make it virtually impossible to function in my daily life. I don't know how I make it out the other side. I probably wouldn't if I didn't have my boyfriend to support me and help me through it.
Just the other day I had tried talking to someone at the office. I could've sworn she was avoiding me and thinking I was totally weird. It caused a lot of negative thinking to erupt in my head and I kept having to remind myself that it wasn't me talking it was my period and all the hormones wrapped up in it.
I think it's possible that these were the times that led to my cutting. Yes, for a time I was self-injuring to get through life. It's one of the worst addictions and never really leaves you. I'm discovering now that it may have been during these times of particular depression that I gave in to the urges, and the thoughts still come back. I say this with the fear of sounding "dark" and "disturbed" but I can assure you that I've grown and studied myself as many of us HSP's do. And although the scars remain, I have yet to give in again for sometime now.
Am I all alone in this? Or do you feel that non-HSP women don't experience the debilitating effects of their periods in the same way that HSP's do? I mean it makes sense, we experience everything in its most raw form, so why wouldn't this be added to the list? Just attempting to explain it makes me feel better, hoping that someone finds this and says, yes I barely get through this time each month. I literally fear myself and what torture my mind might concoct this time. Right now, I feel miserable. I want to crawl into a hole and emerge refreshed with no one the wiser.
It's not just the sadness, I am extremely tired. I try to get more sleep, but my body and mind begin to function in slow motion. Which makes everything even harder to deal with than my normal HSP self. When I emerge on the other side, I feel confident and healthy and ready to tackle anything, but I fear myself. I fear what I'll be confronted with next month.
I wish I could fully describe how difficult it is for me. I think my boyfriend realizes the extent of my suffering because he has to deal with it once a month too. Ultimately, I swear this post isn't just me complaining, it's more of a validation. Or maybe just an expression to anyone who might possibly be listening or care just a little.
Every month, I say THIS time I won't let it get me. THIS time I'll rise above it and remember who I really am. So far...I've been hanging in there. I just have to remain centered, right? I just have to try not to deal with any emotion, any thought, any self-degradation, until it's over. When I'll be able to think rationally.

Forgiving Myself for Sensitivity

So lately I've definitely been put in a situation that goes beyond my comfort zone. I can't believe it's already been a month, but I started a new job as a Social Media Specialist. I'm really glad I moved on from my old job, but it seems like apart from waking up, getting dressed, going to work, and then coming home, eating and sleeping, I haven't been able to accomplish much else.
In other times of my life, I would feel guilty or ashamed of myself, and try to put pressure on myself to do more. My sister happens to be very outgoing and growing up she would thrive on socializing and interacting with people. I, on the other hand, had some difficulty living up to those expectations. It really was a struggle, and not knowing why I couldn't be the talkative, outgoing person that my parents wanted me to be, really made me think poorly of myself. I also realized that my mom, who also happens to be less of a people-person, was struggling to keep me from becoming like her, which can be hard to do when genetics gets in the way.
Ultimately, being sensitive became the main part of my failures in life. My parents said I had a "low pain tolerance" that I "cried too much" was "too quiet" and in one instance said "I don't have any friends." Maybe some of you can relate to that, as a HSP it's really hard to live up to what everyone else expects of you. My dad especially couldn't understand why I avoided simple things like answering the phone, the front door, or ordering at a restaurant. To be honest, I didn't understand why all these seemingly simple things were so difficult for me.
I realize that I gained a fear of failure in everything I did that already ignited my sensitivity. It started to intensify even when I was just going for a walk down the street. Sensitivity is a part of who I am, at least in this physical world, and I need to embrace it. I need to stop trying to be like everyone else, stop trying to push my body to do what it can't, and enjoy all the gifts that sensitivity offers.
Just last weekend, I was trying to explain to my mom what being an HSP really meant. She didn't seem to understand that the definition of "Sensitivity" goes beyond just the normal indications. Honestly I still have a hard time not thinking of the phrase "you're too sensitive," when I explain I'm a Highly Sensitive Person. That's just me bringing my own stereotypes to something that is not negative at all. But I could see how my mom was very anti-being sensitive, as if I could just get over it.
That's how I had tried to live my life before -- getting over it. So I would push and push myself to live the lifestyle that my sister enjoyed. (BTW I love my sister and don't blame her for anything. I just see how trying to be like her will never work for me. Even though I still respect who she is.) Like I said, I'd try to maintain a more "stimulating" lifestyle and end up crashing into depression because I either couldn't sustain it, or couldn't enjoy it, or both. You get the idea.
Now, with my new job, (back to my original point) I am allowing myself to just deal with one thing. There is definitely a ton of other things I would like to work on. Finishing my two novels for one, but I realize now that it's okay if all I can handle is getting up and going to work. I've really started to love my sensitivity and notice it more instead of trying to push it down.
Before, when walking into a situation, I would push myself to make small talk but just end up feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Now I manage to say a few things, but if I don't have anything to say, then I just sit in silence. I realize that a lot of people are not comfortable with being quiet, but for me, I settle right into it and relax.
I need to do what's best for me. More importantly, I need to be my own best friend. I really believe people treat you the way you treat yourself. Before I was telling people to disrespect me because I'm "shy" and "timid." My parents drilled into my brain that I need to stop being so shy because people will take advantage of me. That's not true, just because you are quiet doesn't mean you will be taken advantage of. Furthermore, what my parents should've encouraged in me, is not to be something I'm not, but to embrace myself and respect and love myself above anyone else. That is really what will shape you and help you rise above.
So everyday I get up and go to work. If I mess up or forget something, I forgive myself. I give my greatest effort, but I forgive myself for my difficulties. If I need to just sit in my space and be quiet. Then I allow that.
I just want to add that this has made me become such a strong person. I know I'm not perfect and I continue to work on myself, but I have felt so much power in knowing and accepting this personal trait. So much so that my family views me completely differently. My sister, now comes to me for advice about dealing with anxiety and stress. My parents tell me how proud they are of me and how much I've grown. There was never any reason why I would have to become someone else, just accept who you are now and love yourself fully.
I'll mention one last thing that probably deserves its own post. My past is full of many dark times. I know I've only been here a short time relatively speaking, but I've let myself drop into deep depression and throughout it all I continued to try and understand myself. I never hid from it. Luckily it led to my discovery of being an HSP, which obviously can't solve all my problems, but for me was really a light bulb moment. I guess I'm just trying to say that I've come a long way and to have my entire family recognize that I was able to grow really solidifies what I feel inside.
Better go get ready for work!

No Special Treatment!

Just because I'm "highly-sensitive" doesn't mean I want to be treated any differently by the people around me. That's not really the purpose of this blog. In fact, I think that most highly-sensitive people would prefer to not even share the information for fear of exactly that. It's in our nature (in my opinion) to not want to go around sharing information about ourselves especially if the word "sensitive" is involved. God I hate the word "sensitive" it's probably worse than "shy."
Let me just take a moment to break down the word sensitive. This word should really be synonymous with words such as "intuitive," "highly aware," "attuned," you get the idea. I did some simple investigating of my own (admittedly Dictionary.com) and found these as the top two definitions:

1. endowed with sensation; having perception through the senses.

2. readily or excessively affected by external agencies or influences.

This doesn't seem to imply a weakness of character, but rather a keen sense of awareness. Why is it that this definition seems to reign over our minds instead: "requiring tact or caution; delicate; touchy."
When someone calls us sensitive, we immediately assume that we're damaged in someway. Yet in the case of being "highly sensitive" it instead implies that we are attune to stimuli that others are less attuned to.
Here's a helpful example: a penguin in the cold, versus an alligator. Clearly the alligator is going to have a harder time functioning normally when he/she feels exposed to the elements. The penguin will wonder why the alligator isn't going about his/her business. They don't feel the cold like the alligator does. Catch my drift?
So back to the special treatment. The conundrum here is that while I secretly wish there was some kind of relief that was allotted to proven "sensitives" I would never in a million years feel deserving of it. I definitely think everyone is going through their own stresses and obstacles. Who am I to say that I need special treatment? I think what I've realized about this whole thing, is that I'm always going to have to be the one to give myself special treatment. I'm going to have to manage my own stresses and pressures by recognizing that I do need to rest or I'll break down completely.
Recently I've been in a week of slumpiness (my own word). I don't have any excuses as to why I've been completely lacking motivation. It might be a combination of job searching, working, and having friends over. It actually seems like whenever I even add slightly more to my usual routine, I sink into a vegetative mental coma and my body goes into auto-pilot. I really wish I could put my life on hold, but I can't, so I just have to ride it out until my next wave of energy strikes.
Here's what I have to keep reminding myself and I wonder if other sensitives need reminding like me. It's OK. I don't have to do anything. I can take this time to recoup. Today I managed to pay some bills that have been lying around on my kitchen table. I consider that a pretty good success. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a state of deep depression, I just feel drained. The fact that I haven't gotten anything done might have brought me to a state of self-loathing before. But it's so liberating to know that I don't have to put myself through that anymore.
All I need is some good support from my loved ones, the ones that understand and don't criticize, and I'm good to go! So as for that special treatment, you don't need it. You can do what you aspire to, you can create, invent, and manifest anything in your life. Just be your own best friend and forgive yourself for some of the difficult parts about being hyper sensitive.

Born-Hypersensitive: Learning to cope

At first, the world seems strange and unbearable. Your own body seems unruly and untrustworthy. You think you know how you feel, but the truth is you don't know why. I didn't suddenly wake up one day and think "I'm sensitive." I always knew I was. I always knew that situations affected me more, that I was more attuned to the suffering of animals and the sadness of my family. I thought I would grow out of it. I noticed how my sister would enjoy life in ways that I did not. I realized that I was happier alone, healing my silent injuries than trying to make others understand why I felt the way I felt. I internalized my parent's suffering. It was natural for me to turn their sadness into healing energy and try desperately to send it back. This was something that would drain my energy very easily. It's hard to explain to others, not in the highly sensitive state, what it feels like to be easily drained. I think they might assume that it has to do with the number of hours you are awake, or performing heavy labor. But it has nothing to do with that. I think a long hike in the woods would be less draining than going to a dinner with a group of people I didn't know. Seriously. No joke.
When I was growing up I spent hours alone, contemplating, crying, resting, drawing, writing, listening to music. These are all helpful, but being highly sensitive I know that there isn't some prescribed treatment that will "fix the problem."
My parents insisted that if I was uncomfortable with something, I just needed to keep doing it more often. Such as answering the phone, talking to strangers, and performing other tasks that were the source of much anxiety. I kept expecting to somehow be cured. That the more I involved myself in things I didn't enjoy, the closer I became to being like my sister. I realized at a later age, that I was never going to find those things enjoyable. Being social was never going to be the source of ease and relaxation. Instead, I ended up causing my body and nervous system more strain, stress, and discomfort until I broke down in a dramatic and unbearable way. I would then see my hard work as a complete failure and felt I was back to square one.
Realizing you're highly sensitive is beyond liberating, if you view it with the right opinion. I think for me, it was validation that I really was feeling life with an intensity that most others did not experience. I thought for much of my life, that others walked around in public much the way I did: extremely aware of everyone and everything around me with a strong feeling of self-conscious awareness as well. The truth is, most people didn't have a second thought about half the things I was struck with. Not just the emotions of people, but the noises, textures, lights, and movement. This made performing menial tasks extremely difficult, still does, but at least now I can respect my body for it's weaknesses, because I know I would never give up this gift.
Do I always feel that way? No. But ultimately, I enjoy my peaks enough to accept my plummets. And maybe, one day, enjoy those too.
Another thing that I hope by mentioning will help others, is the empath part of being highly sensitive. Being an empath in my own words, means having the ability to feel the energy emoted by others. It may sound like a cool superpower, but for me it's still entirely involuntary and very difficult to turn off. As an empath, I find my self agreeing to the wants and needs of others in order to relief the tension within my self. For me, resolving something isn't getting what I want, (for the most part), but instead relieving the other person's anger, sadness, anxiety, by resolving their issues. By doing this, I am able to feel the relief within myself. This was very true with my family situation. I often became, and am still sought after, a mediator between parents. I could relieve their anxiety and temporarily heal their conflicts. Unfortunately I can't fix them, so they would be at each other's throats soon after, but once again they would turn to me for relief. The sad truth being that this drained me a great deal.
Why am I sharing this? Because I had no clue that this was the reason I would rather be compliant than fight for what I want. Or even when my boyfriend wants to listen to a certain type of music, I'd rather listen to his music, than feel the tension that builds when he's listening to something he doesn't like. If you have this problem and haven't realized it yet, then it can be very confusing. In fact it can be fatally confusing and frightening. I hope this may offer some clarity to others with this condition because the alternative can be very sad. Let me explain.
After many years of giving energy in order to relieve the pain of those around me, (which I'm not saying was a selfish act by any means. This in many ways can be a selfish act, I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint and the rest of my family evil. Trying to give others what they want in order to relieve your own pain is really not helping anyone at all. I hope you'll understand though that I had no idea that this was the case. It was simply a learned behavior within my family for the quickest and easiest method for relief.) I was ultimately left with an overload of emotion and no way of identifying its source. Imagine feeling the intensity of anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, etc. without any way of identifying the source. In all honesty, I went mad. I would sit by myself suffering with emotion that I could not explain. I would try to connect it to past events, present events, but the truth was it was just daily life. It became too difficult for me and thinking back it was probably a combination of the sensitivity of daily life on top of the emotions of a variety of people that I carried the residue of where ever I went. You might not believe me, but if you are suffering from this, then you will probably understand exactly what I went through.
The insanity I felt, I suffered in silence. No one could help me because even I didn't know what was wrong. My parents felt I was incapable of functioning in the real world, they blamed my fear and shyness to the fact that I found living unbearable. How could I explain to them what I had not concept of myself? I had nothing to really suffer over, other than the plight of bickering parents, something very common for children growing up. Yes, it was sad, but the insanity I was facing was much too extreme to be simply the cause of a volatile family dynamic.
At the age of sixteen I finally resorted to self injury in order to put off the sickness. It was an endorphin released fix that would give me just enough strength to keep going. In fact I managed to maintain my composure for much longer. This is a very, very dangerous habit to begin. It's highly addictive and I wouldn't recommend even trying it for a second. The right combination of mental disease can make this a fatal sickness and it is the source of some of my most frightening moments. It's not something to fool around with and if I could take back all the scars I would. At the time I thought I had no choice, but really if I hadn't started it, I think it would've saved me a lot of grief. I was fearful to call the doctor, I was fearful to do anything, so the cutting continued. Eventually I confessed this to my mother and long story short I was put on medication.
I think being on anti-depressants, gave me a sneak peek at what life would be like if I wasn't highly sensitive. I would witness events, situations, I would want to react but nothing would happen. No tears, no physical reaction would appear. Unfortunately, I would still internalize everything. In the end it didn't resolve my "habit" but it did make it more bearable to get through day to day and I actually overcame the debilitating stomach knot that seemed to have permanently inserted itself into the center of my abdomen.
I think what really saved me, was not trying to "fix" myself, but recognizing what I was really feeling and then accepting it. In many ways I was made to feel that I had to be like everyone else. I had to function like everyone else, I had to enjoy the same activities, I had to be social and outgoing and not just fake it but actually enjoy it. You can't fool yourself, and when you think you're nothing but a huge failure it doesn't matter if you appear to be successful to everyone else.
In the end, I want this blog to be a source for others so they don't have to go through what I did. So young girls and boys who don't understand why they feel like crying or screaming or dying. When you know how to manage, accept and embrace it, life can be full and rich with emotion. But when you grow up thinking you are weak, too sensitive, shy and inadequate, by those who don't understand, it can be a terrible struggle.
Finally, I also hope that this blog will help me to overcome much of my fears and anxiety. And through my expression of challenges, sometimes in a somewhat humorous method, that others might realize that even our greatest fears can be our greatest strengths. The good news is that the more you experience life with a heightened awareness the more courage and self-confidence you gain back, slowly but surely. I published a novel, I am employed and I have a wonderful boyfriend who understands and respects my hyper-sensitivity. There is so much to appreciate in life, and there's no reason that you should go through it fighting the current. Let go and enjoy the ride. And if your hyper-sensitive too, then the ride will be that much more vibrant and beautiful.