I think one of the things that causes me such distress throughout my path, is that I continue to fight my current situation. I feel as though I'm missing out on something much greater. The truth is that, because I am fighting so much the situation I am in, I am missing out on the guidance from within. I am in such discourse with life, that the real flow that could bring me the happiness I desire, is being missed.
Which is why I am going to try to be like water. I enjoy visiting Osho.net and choosing one of his Tarot Cards and this is what was shown to me today:
"The figure in this card is completely relaxed and at ease in the water, letting it take him where it will. He has mastered the art of being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy. He is just available to the currents of life, with never a thought of saying "I don't like that," or "I prefer to go the other way." Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life's waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation to grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should."
I would love so much to feel the currents of life and let them take me great places. I think I'm going to turn my attention to this more. Rather than trying to figure out what better things I could be doing, I'm going to devote my time to simply concentrating on the flow within. I sense that new opportunities would soon follow.
Any advice on experiencing the flow and being like water?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Lucid Dreaming
I had a very vivid Lucid Dream experience this morning! It was amazing. I was sitting in my dream with myself and my boyfriend. Literally myself, there were two of me. I could see myself in the dream sitting shotgun in a car with my boyfriend who I knew wasn't really him. Plus I was aware of myself.
Suddenly I'm sitting in the back seat, like the real me, and the fake me is still sitting in the front of the car. I realized I was dreaming. We were driving towards the mountains. I was really trying to stay in the dream, it was just so real that I couldn't believe I was actually still laying in my bed. I tried to pinch my arm, thinking it would prove that I was sleeping. It really did! I realized it didn't hurt at all, but I was still amazed at how deeply I was in my consciousness. I've had brief moments of waking in my dreams, but then either I wake up completely or I go into a deeper dream. This one lasted for much longer.
I tried to stay sleeping, but I slowly rose out of my dream and woke up and then drifted back into another sleep.
Anyway, having the experience makes me wonder what it means. I feel as though you don't just Lucid Dream all of sudden without some new awareness growing in you? Right? Or was it just pure luck and coincidence? I don't know if I believe in coincidence, but I am really grateful for this experience.
Suddenly I'm sitting in the back seat, like the real me, and the fake me is still sitting in the front of the car. I realized I was dreaming. We were driving towards the mountains. I was really trying to stay in the dream, it was just so real that I couldn't believe I was actually still laying in my bed. I tried to pinch my arm, thinking it would prove that I was sleeping. It really did! I realized it didn't hurt at all, but I was still amazed at how deeply I was in my consciousness. I've had brief moments of waking in my dreams, but then either I wake up completely or I go into a deeper dream. This one lasted for much longer.
I tried to stay sleeping, but I slowly rose out of my dream and woke up and then drifted back into another sleep.
Anyway, having the experience makes me wonder what it means. I feel as though you don't just Lucid Dream all of sudden without some new awareness growing in you? Right? Or was it just pure luck and coincidence? I don't know if I believe in coincidence, but I am really grateful for this experience.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Law of Attraction Debate
So there are people on either end of the debate about the Law of Attraction. It's really difficult to define this, as there's no real way to prove something is real or not when it's intangible.
The more I read about it and experiment with it myself, the more I have begun to form an opinion that diverges somewhere in between it being right or wrong.
So first, I will define the law of attraction in my own words. The Law of Attraction says that "like attracts like." This isn't a really good definition though because we all know that "opposites attract." So really what the Law of Attraction is saying is that if you are vibrating at a certain level, then the energy around you is going to take on the same vibration and you will attract more things with that vibration. So, according to the law if you wake up everyday feeling negativity and projecting that, the world is going to show you what you project. (Bear with me as I sort out my thoughts).
The counter argument to that is there is no possible way that every bad (or good) thing that happens in your life is a result of your thoughts and feelings. I totally agree with that, but I do think we have more power and control than we think.
I'm kind of torn between believing "the world is in you" and also knowing that no one would be in a state that could attract the death of a loved one.
Everyone experiences the ups and downs of life, it's a delicate balance that reflects in the yin yang symbol. There's no way around it, there is going to be night and day, black and white, and no amount of positive thinking can change that. We are riding the waves of life.
But with that in mind, there is also a greater picture than that. There is a Spirit, Source, Phi, God, beyond this that is enlightenment and is peace. So what do I think is the ultimate truth?
We have control of this realm (which is both physical and spiritual) in an energy way and in a physical way. (Not scientific terms, but you get the idea.) If I were to physically go out and get a job, and influence my life in a very concrete way, there will be positive and negative affects because of it.
But I also do agree that my energy can influence my life. I can sometimes make something happen, draw a situation to me, with just my will alone. I have experienced that too. But just as my physical manipulation, my energy manipulation will still set a course for positive and negative whiplash. Perhaps it will come at me even faster because energy is more immediate than the material world.
For example, we've all experienced the situation when we are asking a question, or trying to remember a name, or thinking about an old movie, and BAM! The question is answered by someone sitting beside you on the train, or you see the name on a billboard, or that favorite movie of yours is playing on the TV when you get home from work. (This may be a message from the Universe, but there are also circumstances when I know it came from me.) The Universe has spoken to me in this way too many times for me to doubt it anymore. (And if you've been reading my blog you know I'm on a path to stop doubting my experiences.)
SO....after that long, drawn out explanation, I give you the final answer: Both sides of this debate are correct, but I don't think either is a complete idea. The Universe is a complex place, and I doubt I have brushed the surface on what it all really means.
So I think the Law of Attraction is a pretty ridiculous name. It's just a way to try and sound scientific, it's almost trying to be something it's not. (This is just a thought that popped into my head that has been bugging me.)
We are physical and spiritual beings and our physical and spiritual state of being is going to affect our surroundings. Either way, I say take control of it. Empower yourself to be the master of your ship. If you have that, then it doesn't matter was positive/negative circumstances come your way. You're living in your bliss.
The more I read about it and experiment with it myself, the more I have begun to form an opinion that diverges somewhere in between it being right or wrong.
So first, I will define the law of attraction in my own words. The Law of Attraction says that "like attracts like." This isn't a really good definition though because we all know that "opposites attract." So really what the Law of Attraction is saying is that if you are vibrating at a certain level, then the energy around you is going to take on the same vibration and you will attract more things with that vibration. So, according to the law if you wake up everyday feeling negativity and projecting that, the world is going to show you what you project. (Bear with me as I sort out my thoughts).
The counter argument to that is there is no possible way that every bad (or good) thing that happens in your life is a result of your thoughts and feelings. I totally agree with that, but I do think we have more power and control than we think.
I'm kind of torn between believing "the world is in you" and also knowing that no one would be in a state that could attract the death of a loved one.
Everyone experiences the ups and downs of life, it's a delicate balance that reflects in the yin yang symbol. There's no way around it, there is going to be night and day, black and white, and no amount of positive thinking can change that. We are riding the waves of life.
But with that in mind, there is also a greater picture than that. There is a Spirit, Source, Phi, God, beyond this that is enlightenment and is peace. So what do I think is the ultimate truth?
We have control of this realm (which is both physical and spiritual) in an energy way and in a physical way. (Not scientific terms, but you get the idea.) If I were to physically go out and get a job, and influence my life in a very concrete way, there will be positive and negative affects because of it.
But I also do agree that my energy can influence my life. I can sometimes make something happen, draw a situation to me, with just my will alone. I have experienced that too. But just as my physical manipulation, my energy manipulation will still set a course for positive and negative whiplash. Perhaps it will come at me even faster because energy is more immediate than the material world.
For example, we've all experienced the situation when we are asking a question, or trying to remember a name, or thinking about an old movie, and BAM! The question is answered by someone sitting beside you on the train, or you see the name on a billboard, or that favorite movie of yours is playing on the TV when you get home from work. (This may be a message from the Universe, but there are also circumstances when I know it came from me.) The Universe has spoken to me in this way too many times for me to doubt it anymore. (And if you've been reading my blog you know I'm on a path to stop doubting my experiences.)
SO....after that long, drawn out explanation, I give you the final answer: Both sides of this debate are correct, but I don't think either is a complete idea. The Universe is a complex place, and I doubt I have brushed the surface on what it all really means.
So I think the Law of Attraction is a pretty ridiculous name. It's just a way to try and sound scientific, it's almost trying to be something it's not. (This is just a thought that popped into my head that has been bugging me.)
We are physical and spiritual beings and our physical and spiritual state of being is going to affect our surroundings. Either way, I say take control of it. Empower yourself to be the master of your ship. If you have that, then it doesn't matter was positive/negative circumstances come your way. You're living in your bliss.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
How to throw away your Tarot book:
Okay, I've been reading Tarot cards since I was maybe 13? Anyway, it's been over ten years. I've learned a lot when reading Tarot Cards. One is, you have to find your own ritual, your own connection to the cards. You also have to trust in your instincts and don't doubt that the cards are telling a story.
I've had moments where I thought, "There's nothing here. I don't get it!" In those cases I take a deep breath, and in my head I ask Spirit or the powers that be, what is the story?
But recently I've made the biggest leap of all. Now granted, when I read my own cards, I don't use a book. But I have to admit I cheat and carry the book with me whenever reading my friends, just in case there's a card that maybe I'm not sure how to explain. The book gives me some words to use, which I always find escape me whenever I'm trying to explain something.
Well, no more! The book is out the window and I suggest you try the same thing. First off, you probably don't really need the book at all, but having an understanding of the suits, and the card definitions, or maybe making up these definitions on your own, is probably a good idea before you start reading. There has to be a mutual language between you and your cards, so even if it's not the popular meaning, you still need to have one.
But once you've established your understanding, throw away the book! It is so liberating! I'm sure there are many Tarot Readers who are laughing at me right now because I didn't do this sooner. I know that I should have gone for it, but for those of you who are like me and are still unsure of their abilities, just go for it!
So How Did I Do It?
So first off, I laid out the cards with the idea, "I'm going to do this! I don't know how, but I'm going to do this." Instead of worrying about what cards I wasn't sure of, I instead just searched for my general feelings about the reading as a whole. A few times I had the urge to look something up, but I said "No, I can do this."
I began to tell the story based on the cards I was confident about. As I looked around at the cards I found more and more connections and answers. As I spoke, the answers came to mind and I continued to tell the story laid out before me. I started to see things in the cards I hadn't noticed before because I was too busy relying on the book to tell me what was what. It felt so freeing to listen to my inner voice for the answer. Forget what the book said, these cards (or Spirit) were speaking to me!
Needless to say, these readings were spot on. Maybe more so than they would've been if I was reading from the book. Plus, the people I was reading for felt that it was more authentic too. I could tell that they knew I was speaking from within and finding their story, not just giving them something they could've read themselves.
Anyway, this is just another step forward towards gaining complete confidence in reading people.
I've also been answering reading requests on the Empath Community with the hopes that I can tap into this resource without using cards. I think it's easier to gain that confidence on a forum rather than face to face, but we'll see how well I actually do.
So how do you throw away your Tarot Book? Find that inner confidence, and hold onto it. As a few friends you trust if you can read them. You don't want to know too much about them, or else you'll find it difficult to really differentiate between yourself and Spirit. I guess the lesson in throwing away your Tarot Book, is that if you're thinking about taking the leap and trusting in yourself, then just go for it. You'll feel so much freedom afterwards.
I've had moments where I thought, "There's nothing here. I don't get it!" In those cases I take a deep breath, and in my head I ask Spirit or the powers that be, what is the story?
But recently I've made the biggest leap of all. Now granted, when I read my own cards, I don't use a book. But I have to admit I cheat and carry the book with me whenever reading my friends, just in case there's a card that maybe I'm not sure how to explain. The book gives me some words to use, which I always find escape me whenever I'm trying to explain something.
Well, no more! The book is out the window and I suggest you try the same thing. First off, you probably don't really need the book at all, but having an understanding of the suits, and the card definitions, or maybe making up these definitions on your own, is probably a good idea before you start reading. There has to be a mutual language between you and your cards, so even if it's not the popular meaning, you still need to have one.
But once you've established your understanding, throw away the book! It is so liberating! I'm sure there are many Tarot Readers who are laughing at me right now because I didn't do this sooner. I know that I should have gone for it, but for those of you who are like me and are still unsure of their abilities, just go for it!
So How Did I Do It?
So first off, I laid out the cards with the idea, "I'm going to do this! I don't know how, but I'm going to do this." Instead of worrying about what cards I wasn't sure of, I instead just searched for my general feelings about the reading as a whole. A few times I had the urge to look something up, but I said "No, I can do this."
I began to tell the story based on the cards I was confident about. As I looked around at the cards I found more and more connections and answers. As I spoke, the answers came to mind and I continued to tell the story laid out before me. I started to see things in the cards I hadn't noticed before because I was too busy relying on the book to tell me what was what. It felt so freeing to listen to my inner voice for the answer. Forget what the book said, these cards (or Spirit) were speaking to me!
Needless to say, these readings were spot on. Maybe more so than they would've been if I was reading from the book. Plus, the people I was reading for felt that it was more authentic too. I could tell that they knew I was speaking from within and finding their story, not just giving them something they could've read themselves.
Anyway, this is just another step forward towards gaining complete confidence in reading people.
I've also been answering reading requests on the Empath Community with the hopes that I can tap into this resource without using cards. I think it's easier to gain that confidence on a forum rather than face to face, but we'll see how well I actually do.
So how do you throw away your Tarot Book? Find that inner confidence, and hold onto it. As a few friends you trust if you can read them. You don't want to know too much about them, or else you'll find it difficult to really differentiate between yourself and Spirit. I guess the lesson in throwing away your Tarot Book, is that if you're thinking about taking the leap and trusting in yourself, then just go for it. You'll feel so much freedom afterwards.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Finding Your Twin Flame
I just recently came across a notion that I wasn't familiar with before. It's called Twin Flames or Twin Souls. If you haven't heard of it before I will try to briefly describe it without plagiarizing any of the many other websites I have read about it on.
There are two concepts that often get confused. Soul Mates and Twin Souls. Soul Mates are familiar souls in your soul group. These can appear in your physical life as lovers, family members, friends, and other familiars. When you meet a Soul Mate, you can recognize that this is someone you have known before. You feel an instant connection or you feel drawn to the familiarity of their nature. As we reincarnate, we tend to hang around similar souls that are meant to help us raise our awareness and teach us lessons that will help us reach divine oneness.
Twin Souls, are divided from the same soul into two opposites (male and female). But they come from the same soul. Apparently from the one source, souls are divided into groups of souls and then finally in their last division are separate into two halves of a whole soul. Honestly, I can only speak from experience that this is in fact true. Although, I feel there are many variables that are difficult to account for. I will try to give my impression of these in a moment.
Ultimately, you will meet your Twin Soul when you are both on the path to discovery and enlightenment. Sometimes all the variables in the physical realm will not be in place to allow you to be with one another. (I've read this in other descriptions, and it makes sense that even if you do meet your Twin Soul you might not be in the right circumstances to successfully carry out a relationship with them.)
What this post is leading to, is the fact that I've undoubtedly found my Twin Soul. We have been together now for 5 years, but it feels as if we've lived many lifetimes together. This feeling was present since we first spent time with one another. I don't expect you to believe me, at least not when you do not know me or my partner personally. But because this is my blog, I am choosing to divulge this information as I feel it is pertinent to my growth and my life experiences.
Since this post is growing rather large, I want to finish with a reflection on some situations that I don't know if I really have the answer to. Although, because I have experienced this myself (the Twin Flame phenomenon) I have to believe without a doubt that this relationship is true. However, my question is homosexuality. Is it possible for these relationships to result in a Twin Flame relationship? I'm not a closed-minded person, I am in a heterosexual relationship, but I do believe that two people of the same sex can be in love.
Does the Twin Flame phenomenon require that the couple be physically different genders? I have not read anything about this at other websites. Is it possible that they spiritually embody the female and male energies, but do not represent them physically? Or does this situation not result in a Twin Flame relationship and will wait until a different incarnation? I'm not sure...although I still trust in the phenomenon. I will certainly be asking my guides about this one.
Well, in the following posts I will be sharing more on why I am certain I am in a Twin Flame relationship. Although previously I was unaware of this term, despite this fact, my partner and I were experiencing this sensation and awareness prior to coming across this information.
I hope you will find my experiences helpful.
There are two concepts that often get confused. Soul Mates and Twin Souls. Soul Mates are familiar souls in your soul group. These can appear in your physical life as lovers, family members, friends, and other familiars. When you meet a Soul Mate, you can recognize that this is someone you have known before. You feel an instant connection or you feel drawn to the familiarity of their nature. As we reincarnate, we tend to hang around similar souls that are meant to help us raise our awareness and teach us lessons that will help us reach divine oneness.
Twin Souls, are divided from the same soul into two opposites (male and female). But they come from the same soul. Apparently from the one source, souls are divided into groups of souls and then finally in their last division are separate into two halves of a whole soul. Honestly, I can only speak from experience that this is in fact true. Although, I feel there are many variables that are difficult to account for. I will try to give my impression of these in a moment.
Ultimately, you will meet your Twin Soul when you are both on the path to discovery and enlightenment. Sometimes all the variables in the physical realm will not be in place to allow you to be with one another. (I've read this in other descriptions, and it makes sense that even if you do meet your Twin Soul you might not be in the right circumstances to successfully carry out a relationship with them.)
What this post is leading to, is the fact that I've undoubtedly found my Twin Soul. We have been together now for 5 years, but it feels as if we've lived many lifetimes together. This feeling was present since we first spent time with one another. I don't expect you to believe me, at least not when you do not know me or my partner personally. But because this is my blog, I am choosing to divulge this information as I feel it is pertinent to my growth and my life experiences.
Since this post is growing rather large, I want to finish with a reflection on some situations that I don't know if I really have the answer to. Although, because I have experienced this myself (the Twin Flame phenomenon) I have to believe without a doubt that this relationship is true. However, my question is homosexuality. Is it possible for these relationships to result in a Twin Flame relationship? I'm not a closed-minded person, I am in a heterosexual relationship, but I do believe that two people of the same sex can be in love.
Does the Twin Flame phenomenon require that the couple be physically different genders? I have not read anything about this at other websites. Is it possible that they spiritually embody the female and male energies, but do not represent them physically? Or does this situation not result in a Twin Flame relationship and will wait until a different incarnation? I'm not sure...although I still trust in the phenomenon. I will certainly be asking my guides about this one.
Well, in the following posts I will be sharing more on why I am certain I am in a Twin Flame relationship. Although previously I was unaware of this term, despite this fact, my partner and I were experiencing this sensation and awareness prior to coming across this information.
I hope you will find my experiences helpful.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Am I Even Going Anywhere?
I'm sitting here, I know I should be working on something productive. But something has caused me to get stuck. I feel that I've grown, maybe I've just had a period of euphoria and so I must now have a time of sadness. I can't seem to get unstuck though!
The main problem is this feeling of being trapped at my job. I think maybe it isn't a very good situation for me. I don't feel like I belong here. I think I'm just completely frustrated with the work environment, sitting at a desk, trying to plug into the corporate world, but I just can't. I'm completely opposite from what this place expects from me.
Inside I've been feeling like I'm battling uphill. I'm trying desperately to grab onto some kind of purchase, but it all crumbles beneath me. What hurts the most, is that I feel so grateful for all that I do have and so I can't seem to figure out what is missing. I should be so at ease with my life. It's easy and I am so loved, which I really can't contain the appreciation for that. It's this work situation. Maybe I just need a break, I don't know, I feel really selfish for saying that, because most people go through many more years of working without taking a significant break and they feel very grateful for this.
I also don't want to come across as being very selfish about my time and my personal expectations. The thing is I can't seem to overcome it. I've been trying, but I just can't ignore this voice inside my head that tells me I need to seek something outside of this business world and just experience the things that come naturally to me.
It's like a horse trying to be a bird. I'm never going to be able to sustain this, I feel like I'm playing this game and putting on a facade and inside I'm just waiting to express all the gifts I've been given. Recently I've been able to connect with my deceased Grandma. She comforts me and is watching over me and even talks to me sometimes.
I've been getting some messages from other spirits too. I also discovered a few things about myself that I've maybe been receiving these messages all along and have just been ignoring or denying them. I feel like life has all these potentials. Maybe I should take the leap, but it is still so scary to take that risk.
I just had to confess these feelings. I don't want to feel this way, I'm trying so hard to not be negative, maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm really, really negative and just release it all and continue to release it all until it's over. I'm definitely not trying to harp on it, it's almost like I try to ignore it and move forward and stay positive and it slowly builds up and takes over.
It doesn't help that I'm an Empath and feel like the world is a volume dial turned on full blast. I've tried to turn the dial down, the only real relief I can get is being alone.
I keep cursing this behavior, because I've grown so much and I've learned so much about myself. I ask the question: Am I Even Going Anywhere? Because right when I think I'm breaking free from the spiral, I get dragged right down into the worst of it again.
I'm pretty much sensing the answer is this: "Life is a series of highs and lows and I am looking for perfection in myself. When I don't see that perfection, I start blaming myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong to put me in this position. It's not that at all. It's the nature of life and being human. If you are feeling this way, if you are feeling sad, be easy on yourself, let yourself relax and recoup. Don't be harder on yourself, just find a safe place and coast through it. Give your body and mind what it needs to make it through. Don't feel guilty that you aren't getting as much done as before. This is because you are experiencing the ebb and flow, rise above this by recognizing that it will pass. All things good or bad eventually pass."
(This was a moment of intuitive writing. Often when writing the answer asks to be written. Afterwards I feel like I've been meditating.)
The main problem is this feeling of being trapped at my job. I think maybe it isn't a very good situation for me. I don't feel like I belong here. I think I'm just completely frustrated with the work environment, sitting at a desk, trying to plug into the corporate world, but I just can't. I'm completely opposite from what this place expects from me.
Inside I've been feeling like I'm battling uphill. I'm trying desperately to grab onto some kind of purchase, but it all crumbles beneath me. What hurts the most, is that I feel so grateful for all that I do have and so I can't seem to figure out what is missing. I should be so at ease with my life. It's easy and I am so loved, which I really can't contain the appreciation for that. It's this work situation. Maybe I just need a break, I don't know, I feel really selfish for saying that, because most people go through many more years of working without taking a significant break and they feel very grateful for this.
I also don't want to come across as being very selfish about my time and my personal expectations. The thing is I can't seem to overcome it. I've been trying, but I just can't ignore this voice inside my head that tells me I need to seek something outside of this business world and just experience the things that come naturally to me.
It's like a horse trying to be a bird. I'm never going to be able to sustain this, I feel like I'm playing this game and putting on a facade and inside I'm just waiting to express all the gifts I've been given. Recently I've been able to connect with my deceased Grandma. She comforts me and is watching over me and even talks to me sometimes.
I've been getting some messages from other spirits too. I also discovered a few things about myself that I've maybe been receiving these messages all along and have just been ignoring or denying them. I feel like life has all these potentials. Maybe I should take the leap, but it is still so scary to take that risk.
I just had to confess these feelings. I don't want to feel this way, I'm trying so hard to not be negative, maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm really, really negative and just release it all and continue to release it all until it's over. I'm definitely not trying to harp on it, it's almost like I try to ignore it and move forward and stay positive and it slowly builds up and takes over.
It doesn't help that I'm an Empath and feel like the world is a volume dial turned on full blast. I've tried to turn the dial down, the only real relief I can get is being alone.
I keep cursing this behavior, because I've grown so much and I've learned so much about myself. I ask the question: Am I Even Going Anywhere? Because right when I think I'm breaking free from the spiral, I get dragged right down into the worst of it again.
I'm pretty much sensing the answer is this: "Life is a series of highs and lows and I am looking for perfection in myself. When I don't see that perfection, I start blaming myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong to put me in this position. It's not that at all. It's the nature of life and being human. If you are feeling this way, if you are feeling sad, be easy on yourself, let yourself relax and recoup. Don't be harder on yourself, just find a safe place and coast through it. Give your body and mind what it needs to make it through. Don't feel guilty that you aren't getting as much done as before. This is because you are experiencing the ebb and flow, rise above this by recognizing that it will pass. All things good or bad eventually pass."
(This was a moment of intuitive writing. Often when writing the answer asks to be written. Afterwards I feel like I've been meditating.)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Giving, Believing, Receiving
Is it really possible? For me to attain my dreams? Sometimes the question is so easily answered. Sometimes I am so confident that I am capable of anything. But then suddenly I will have a moment of doubt. I'll ask, why should I deserve what I want when many others fail to live their dreams? I try to block out this other voice that creeps up on me when I'm not paying attention. It's not just feeling that I'm undeserving, it's the daunting idea of how much work must be done, how much time is needed, and how I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions.
I've felt a strong pull towards the idea of Giving. I want to get out of this desk job, I'm tired of sitting in front of a computer all day taking orders all day like I'm less worthy of an opinion because I'm inexperienced. The hierarchy of jobs seems necessary, but I just can't accept it. Not that I'm not completely respectful of those who have more knowledge on their jobs and honor the fact that they've been doing it for many years more than I. It's not that at all. I just feel myself creeping into this, I'm not worthy of my own free time, state of mind. Which I hate.
So where does that leave me? Back to the Giving. I have begun to give my book, my dream, to anyone who will read it. I can't believe how many reviewers actually reply to my queries saying "WOW, this looks great!" It's thrilling. I'm giving my art and sharing it, and all I want in return is for them to read and enjoy it. That's all I've ever wanted, was to be able to share my stories, my worlds with everyone and be able to sustain my life through my art.
You can see how wanting to become an author feels so daunting. There are some many people working towards the same thing. I try to maintain tunnel vision and forget all those other people. The truth is they're not competition. They're not competition at all. I'm not trying to get people to buy my book over theirs, I'm just trying to share my story. Do I only buy one book? No, of course not, there's plenty of room in my library, on my kindle, to buy their book and mine. That's the truth, step out of this mind set that there is not enough to go around. There is plenty.
So that's where I'm left, Giving, Believing, and Receiving. See, I'm not a world-renowned author, but I'm Receiving anyway. Every time someone reads my book and enjoys it, or finds it thought-provoking, helps me keep going. Helps me find the motivation and confidence to just keep sharing.
I'd rather spend my money to send more books out than buy a new shirt or DVD. So that's where I'm left. It's never a waste of money to Give.
Hmm...I guess this post was just a reassurance to myself that everything will be fine. That I'm headed in the right direction. I'll never give up. I'll never stop working towards this.
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