I'm sitting here, I know I should be working on something productive. But something has caused me to get stuck. I feel that I've grown, maybe I've just had a period of euphoria and so I must now have a time of sadness. I can't seem to get unstuck though!
The main problem is this feeling of being trapped at my job. I think maybe it isn't a very good situation for me. I don't feel like I belong here. I think I'm just completely frustrated with the work environment, sitting at a desk, trying to plug into the corporate world, but I just can't. I'm completely opposite from what this place expects from me.
Inside I've been feeling like I'm battling uphill. I'm trying desperately to grab onto some kind of purchase, but it all crumbles beneath me. What hurts the most, is that I feel so grateful for all that I do have and so I can't seem to figure out what is missing. I should be so at ease with my life. It's easy and I am so loved, which I really can't contain the appreciation for that. It's this work situation. Maybe I just need a break, I don't know, I feel really selfish for saying that, because most people go through many more years of working without taking a significant break and they feel very grateful for this.
I also don't want to come across as being very selfish about my time and my personal expectations. The thing is I can't seem to overcome it. I've been trying, but I just can't ignore this voice inside my head that tells me I need to seek something outside of this business world and just experience the things that come naturally to me.
It's like a horse trying to be a bird. I'm never going to be able to sustain this, I feel like I'm playing this game and putting on a facade and inside I'm just waiting to express all the gifts I've been given. Recently I've been able to connect with my deceased Grandma. She comforts me and is watching over me and even talks to me sometimes.
I've been getting some messages from other spirits too. I also discovered a few things about myself that I've maybe been receiving these messages all along and have just been ignoring or denying them. I feel like life has all these potentials. Maybe I should take the leap, but it is still so scary to take that risk.
I just had to confess these feelings. I don't want to feel this way, I'm trying so hard to not be negative, maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm really, really negative and just release it all and continue to release it all until it's over. I'm definitely not trying to harp on it, it's almost like I try to ignore it and move forward and stay positive and it slowly builds up and takes over.
It doesn't help that I'm an Empath and feel like the world is a volume dial turned on full blast. I've tried to turn the dial down, the only real relief I can get is being alone.
I keep cursing this behavior, because I've grown so much and I've learned so much about myself. I ask the question: Am I Even Going Anywhere? Because right when I think I'm breaking free from the spiral, I get dragged right down into the worst of it again.
I'm pretty much sensing the answer is this: "Life is a series of highs and lows and I am looking for perfection in myself. When I don't see that perfection, I start blaming myself and trying to figure out what I've done wrong to put me in this position. It's not that at all. It's the nature of life and being human. If you are feeling this way, if you are feeling sad, be easy on yourself, let yourself relax and recoup. Don't be harder on yourself, just find a safe place and coast through it. Give your body and mind what it needs to make it through. Don't feel guilty that you aren't getting as much done as before. This is because you are experiencing the ebb and flow, rise above this by recognizing that it will pass. All things good or bad eventually pass."
(This was a moment of intuitive writing. Often when writing the answer asks to be written. Afterwards I feel like I've been meditating.)
