Monday, August 15, 2011

Giving, Believing, Receiving

Is it really possible? For me to attain my dreams? Sometimes the question is so easily answered. Sometimes I am so confident that I am capable of anything. But then suddenly I will have a moment of doubt. I'll ask, why should I deserve what I want when many others fail to live their dreams? I try to block out this other voice that creeps up on me when I'm not paying attention. It's not just feeling that I'm undeserving, it's the daunting idea of how much work must be done, how much time is needed, and how I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions.
I've felt a strong pull towards the idea of Giving. I want to get out of this desk job, I'm tired of sitting in front of a computer all day taking orders all day like I'm less worthy of an opinion because I'm inexperienced. The hierarchy of jobs seems necessary, but I just can't accept it. Not that I'm not completely respectful of those who have more knowledge on their jobs and honor the fact that they've been doing it for many years more than I. It's not that at all. I just feel myself creeping into this, I'm not worthy of my own free time, state of mind. Which I hate.
So where does that leave me? Back to the Giving. I have begun to give my book, my dream, to anyone who will read it. I can't believe how many reviewers actually reply to my queries saying "WOW, this looks great!" It's thrilling. I'm giving my art and sharing it, and all I want in return is for them to read and enjoy it. That's all I've ever wanted, was to be able to share my stories, my worlds with everyone and be able to sustain my life through my art.
You can see how wanting to become an author feels so daunting. There are some many people working towards the same thing. I try to maintain tunnel vision and forget all those other people. The truth is they're not competition. They're not competition at all. I'm not trying to get people to buy my book over theirs, I'm just trying to share my story. Do I only buy one book? No, of course not, there's plenty of room in my library, on my kindle, to buy their book and mine. That's the truth, step out of this mind set that there is not enough to go around. There is plenty.
So that's where I'm left, Giving, Believing, and Receiving. See, I'm not a world-renowned author, but I'm Receiving anyway. Every time someone reads my book and enjoys it, or finds it thought-provoking, helps me keep going. Helps me find the motivation and confidence to just keep sharing.
I'd rather spend my money to send more books out than buy a new shirt or DVD. So that's where I'm left. It's never a waste of money to Give.
Hmm...I guess this post was just a reassurance to myself that everything will be fine. That I'm headed in the right direction. I'll never give up. I'll never stop working towards this.